So someone smarter than me suggested I take the Meyers Briggs Personality Test and apply it to my dating life…

First off, the glaring flaw with using the Meyers Briggs test for dating is that there is no mention of the the most personalities you encounter while dating:

DMGD

LOZR

HOES

LIAR

But anyway…

My results came back as “ENFJ” which sounded cool when I first read the description until I got to the last line:

“….you want to give and give until there is nothing left, a la The Giving Tree.”

WHAT?!?!

This is NOT who I want to be.

The Giving Tree is this amazing Elm or something that is basically a power house in its little patch of prairie. Then this selfish asshole comes along, tricks the tree into loving them and slowly, methodically, reduces a once glorious tree down to an ugly stump.

Not cool. Not cool at all.

So I consulted an even smarter friend with an amazing hamburger t-shirt and she said:

“My friend Lori brought me breakfast.”

(Texts a picture of herself eating potato skins in bed while on vacation)

“Don’t change the subject by distracting me with potato skins…”

“Okay, yah, but the giving tree was happy when she died. She spread so much love!”

❤️❤️❤️

“No way! I am not going out like that. If some self-centered person comes along I’m just going to drop a branch on them before they kill me and rest of the forest. My God! That’s why they have the tree all alone in a field. That kid has already wiped out the rest of the woods!”

(Long exchange about personality types)

“Hey Dave… Actually Shel Silverstein hated children. That’s why he wrote The Giving Tree. He is warning us that kids will suck the life out of you.”

And on cue, my two children tumbled down the stairs…

Girl: “I’m hungry.”

Boy: “We want donuts.”

Girl: “We want kolaches. No, breakfast tacos.”

Boy: “We want all three.”

Girl: “I also need some new clothes.”

Boy: “I’m bored.”

I am going to need a few more skull crushing branches.

The path to HER?

It is laid out, stone by stone, for my heart to explore.

It is long and winding and every turn stirs my soul.

She is a hue that Rothko chased until his heart stopped.

This, she knows.

And I have found her.

I delight in her twists and turns.

The trees along her path shelter me from the rain and the sun.

I lose myself as I follow her into the darkest woods and emerge in flowered coated meadows a better man.

The birds from heaven sing her praises as I quicken my step.

When I am tired she leads me down a gentle slope.

When I need to be challenged her grade turns steeper.

And, always, I move further along and never think of turning back.

This is my place.

This is where I belong.

I will walk this path night and day.

I will never stray.

And I will draw my last breath still aching to take one more step along her journey.