Cook this Fried Chicken

I’ve had a dream ever since I was a little boy.

No, this isn’t the one where Wonder Woman and Cat Woman fight over me until I convince to share…

This dream, however, is just as awesome.

See, I’ve always wanted to make fried chicken. It ain’t easy to figure it out. But I learned the mysteries of the southern soul harmony and will teach you how to hum along.

Why is great homemade fried chicken so damn tricky to do?

For starters, every asshole I’ve ever talked with about my home made fried chicken dream gives you some bullshit like “my grandma does it the best” but they can’t tell you how grandma did it.

I know why, too. It’s probably because their grandma just brought the fried yard bird home from the Colonel or something.

And speaking of the Colonel…

His chicken sucks. The only thing he has going for him is the original recipe thighs. These are the world’s greatest hang over helpers and in just a few bites you can start boozing your life away by 10 am again.

The best chicken to buy at a store is Popeye’s and this is because each piece is marinated in Cajun stuff mixed with some high quality, pharmaceutical grade crack cocaine. Never heard of pharmaceutical grade crack cocaine? Well… you’ve obviously never met my friend Ray Ray down in the Iberville public housing development just on the edge of the French Quarter.

Iberville, home of Ray Ray

But I digress…

Just like Sir Galahad was the only member of King Arthur’s knights that was pure and noble enough to find The Holy Grail, I am the only mother fucker pure and noble enough to teach your ass how to fry a chicken to perfection.

You got this…

Ingredients

A whole fucking bag of all purpose flour (none of that organic bullshit)

One or two chickens cut up and trimmed of the excess skin

The big ass tub of Crisco

6 eggs

Seasonings:

1 part flaky salt

1 part chili powder

1 part garlic powder

1 part onion powder

1/2 part cayenne pepper

1/2 part lemon pepper

1/2 part black pepper

1/2 thyme

 

First off, get your chicken laid out on a baking sheet. Now, make sure you spit on each piece.

Hahahahaha!

Don’t spit on the chicken, fucktard. Now rinse that stuff off and start over.

Using about a fourth of your seasonings, get your raw chicken well dusted and let it sit.

The biggest key to this recipe is to get your big ass pot (see other recipes), put at least half the tub of Crisco in it and heat that fat to medium high heat. Don’t use a skillet. The skillet looks cool but it’s going to spray fat all over the place. Give it awhile. If you dribble water in and it sizzles you are set. You going to want around 3 to 4 inches of hot fat in there.

Crack those eggs and beat them in a large bowl with the rest of the seasonings. You might need to add more spices. The egg/spice should have a reddish/muddy hue.

Put a few cups of flour in a large shallow bowl or on a plate.

The steps here are:

  1. Dry (chicken in the flour)
  2. Wet (chicken in the egg stuff)
  3. Dry (chicken back in the flour)

Again, let the chicken sit. You are going to go through the whole bag of flour and your hands will be a gunky mess.

When it’s ready to fry, you are going to look at your chicken and think to yourself:

“Where the fuck did the flour go?!?”

Don’t worry your pretty little head. The flour is still there, it’s just mixed with the egg and when you fry the bird parts, the whole thing will “poof” up like some kind of black voodoo magic.

Add the pieces together and in the great southern traditional ways… It’s best if you segregate them. Breasts with breast. Thighs with thighs. Legs with legs. Wings with wings. You are doing this because the thickness of the meat and the bone make each piece fry at a different rate.

Don’t crowd the pot of hot fat. If you crowd the pot the chicken will stick together and be all fucked up.

Timing wise?

Wings — 5 minutes, flip, 5 minutes

Legs — 7 minutes, flip, 7 minutes

Breasts — 8 minutes, flip, 8 minutes

Thighs — 9 minutes, flip, 9 minutes

Put each batch on a clean baking sheet (preferable with a drip grate) and hold them in a warm oven until you are all done. 

Yes…

This is going to take a couple of hours which means you have plenty of time to clean up the mess you made BEFORE eating and also drink a few cold beers and think about how badly you need to go on a diet.

I strongly suggest serving this with a nice salad.

 

 

 

 

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Cook these pickles

 

Okay, I lied.
You aren’t going to “cook” anything at all with this recipe.
There will be some stirring and some slicing and some chopping but there will be no flames.
I know, fire is fun, right? Sorry.
Why make your own pickles? 
Why not? 
Fuck. Seriously. We are making these God damn dishes for one reason and one reason only:
TO IMPRESS PEOPLE THAT WE ACTUALLY DO NOT CARE ABOUT
These are cold packed pickles and they are going to taste better than anything you can buy in a store. They are simple. They also involve a rare thing these days… 

Waiting for something to finish.

1 Cup White Vinegar (90 grain of 9% acidity)

3 Cups water

½ cup pickling salt

Mix that shit in a glass bowl or something until the salt is disolved. If you can’t find the 90 grain vinegar, use algebra to add more water to get the dillution percentage correct. 

You also have to use pickling salt or the brine will get cloudy and ugly and you will not impress anyone with your pickles.

Now go find a glass jar with a lid that looks like pickles might fit into it.

In each jar place: 

1 tsp dill weed 

4 whole cloves garlic

2 sliced jalapenos

1/3 sliced white onion

Jam this shit into jars. Push on it some to make sure you have room for the cucumbers.

Now, I hope to God you bought pickling cucumbers. They look like, well, pickles. If you bought the ones you find in nicer salads then you’ve fucked up and need to go back to the store.

Slice the ends off the cucumbers because there is some bad magic in the ends that make things slimey.

 Now…

If you want coins, make them 1/4 thick

The best way is to just slice them in half, lengthwise. Spears are okay too.

Pack the cucumbers into the jar and make sure they are an inch from the top.

 Pour that brine over vegetables and put lid on.

Now you are going to an adult and be patient.

Leave the jat on counter for 24hours and then refridgerate the pickles for another 24 hours before eating.

During one 24-hour period they “cure” and the other 24-hours makes them “pickle” and I can’t remember which is which so just follow the damn directions, okay?

Good. 

Eventually, put these pickles on a nicer platter with cheese and salami meat and some green apple slices and crackers and then crack open some cold beer and look like a crafty genius for your friends.

Enjoy.