Aries —

The stars say group activities prove beneficial on several levels, Aries. You might project powerful warmth and love for all life. And this means “orgy” time.

Taurus —

Looking at the heavens I can see you might find yourself in the public eye at some point today and you will be arrested because you should not do sex stuff at the zoo.

Gemini —

If you’ve considered a career in publishing, Gemini, this is the time to go for it. And by “publishing” the stars mean “charging people to subscribe to your lewd SnapChat account.”

Cancer —

Your dreams could be vivid, pleasant, and full of information to help you make a decision. But they are not. Your dreams are grounded in boring reality.

Leo —

The planetary energies surrounding love are promising, Leo. Like, you will totally fall in love with a 2,000 calorie serving of nachos today.

Virgo —

Today you should be glowing with good health, energy, and stamina however you are slowly withering on the vine.

Libra —

Current and potential love partners could feel strongly drawn to you. Really strongly drawn to you. You need to check the backseat of your car after work and karate chop the shower curtain before you try to take a crap.

Scorpio —

Important enterprises centering on your home could take up a lot of your energy over the next few days. This is good news for your webcam show but bad news for your parents.

Sagittarius —

Your imagination is operating at a high level and so is your ability to communicate with others. Seriously, screaming “Suck my shit soaked fuck hole, you clam digging, honky lipped, plaid and animal print wearing scab” at the bus that cuts you off in traffic is pretty inspired.

Capricorn —

Good news about money may have caused you to feel especially positive. This could attract new people to you and bring closer those already in your life. Like, a black widow who will soon seduce, rob and murder you.

Aquarius —

Your self-confidence, optimism, and determination should peak over the next few days. Fucking narcissist.

Pisces —

You might find that your understanding of others greatly increases, attracting new and old friends. This happens to most people when word gets out about their amateur porn performances.