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I’m a Gulper, Not a Sipper

I just got to my mom’s house and it’s Thanksgiving.

I don’t know anyone here. This should be great. I’m going to be in rare form

I’ve been here 15 minutes and some guy I don’t know is telling me to slow down.

Him: That’s a lot of bourbon

Me: I’m a gulper, not a sipper

Him: Are you driving home?

Me: Might let the dog drive

4 pm

I just carpet bombed my mom’s living room with F-bombs after Dallas didn’t take the kick off out of the endzone. This lady is staring at me.

Me: I got 5 large riding on Dallas to win

I’ve switched to cheering for Miami. People are either too scared or too confused to say anything

4:15 pm

I let the dog in and he jumped all over some lady in a cream pants suit. She is coated with paw prints.

Me: I thought we were in a drought here in Houston

Her: Aren’t you going to clean off his paws?

Me: Looks like he’s clean now

Her: This is dry clean only

Me: Cool, they should be open tomorrow. Shit! Come on Dallas!!!

4:26 pm

I slipped into the back yard and some codger caught me pissing on my mom’s azaleas.

Him: Whoops, sorry

Me: There’s room for two

Him: Uh, no thanks

Me: So… You want to see it again?

Him: What?!?

Me: Come on Miami!!!

4:58 pm

I’ve been telling everyone that I brought the green bean casserole. All I brought was my dog.

Her: You didn’t bring that

Me: Yes I did

Her: No you didn’t. I made that this morning

Me: Prove it

Her: You’re being a real jerk

Me: I’m taking that platter home and you can’t stop me

5:08 pm

People are now doing their best to ignore me. Oh HELL no. I won’t be denied.

Her: This Penn State/Sandusky thing is just awful

Me: I know. Why are people trying to get in the way of love? Is love a crime?

Him: Are you serious?

Me: He loves those children in a way we’ll never know.

Them: You are so sick.

Me: No, I’m a dreamer.

5:16 pm

Giving thanks for the entire Baylor football roster during grace really pissed off the guests. Some guy groaned when I said, “Please keep Baylor’s President Ken Starr safe and continue, as always, to give him your blessed guidance.” I didn’t see who it was since my eyes were closed but I bet he was a dirty liberal. I am listened to my Iphone during the rest of dinner, singing along to the songs. One couple got up and left in middle of “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon”.

5:37 pm

I used my fork to carve my slice of pumpkin pie into a penis. You know where the whip cream went… I was asked to eat my desert in the living room.

6:05 pm

Jack pot! There was a dog fight in the living room. My schaunzer just tore up a dachshund. There is blood all over my mom’s new carpet. The couple left to take their dog to an emergency vet.

Mom: What is wrong with your dog??

Me: Social anxiety?

Her look tells me that she will forever be pro choice.

Me: Hey, don’t be mad at me. It’s not my dog’s blood all over the place.

People are really pissed now.

Me: Next time let him finish. Dead dachshunds don’t bleed as much.

6:10 pm

People are talking about me in the kitchen.

Me: Come on Cowboys! Tellin’ you what, no one can stop Staubach

Him: You mean Romo?

Me: That’s Aikman

6:15 pm

The Cowboys are winning the game, I’m chanting “Marino, Marino, Marino” causing more guests to leave.

6:25 pm

I just spilled half of of mycoffee on the floor, the other half is on my jeans. I’m being asked to leave.

Me: But the game isn’t over

Mom: It is for you

Me: I can’t drive home, I’m wasted

She shuts the front door and locks it. Someone else closes the garage door.

Time to go to the bar and watch the last ever UT/A&M game.

About Suburban War Lord

Suburban War Lord

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