I just got to my mom’s house and it’s Thanksgiving.
I don’t know anyone here. This should be great. I’m going to be in rare form
I’ve been here 15 minutes and some guy I don’t know is telling me to slow down.
Him: That’s a lot of bourbon
Me: I’m a gulper, not a sipper
Him: Are you driving home?
Me: Might let the dog drive
I just carpet bombed my mom’s living room with F-bombs after Dallas didn’t take the kick off out of the endzone. This lady is staring at me.
Me: I got 5 large riding on Dallas to win
I’ve switched to cheering for Miami. People are either too scared or too confused to say anything
I let the dog in and he jumped all over some lady in a cream pants suit. She is coated with paw prints.
Me: I thought we were in a drought here in Houston
Her: Aren’t you going to clean off his paws?
Me: Looks like he’s clean now
Her: This is dry clean only
Me: Cool, they should be open tomorrow. Shit! Come on Dallas!!!
I slipped into the back yard and some codger caught me pissing on my mom’s azaleas.
Him: Whoops, sorry
Me: There’s room for two
Him: Uh, no thanks
Me: So… You want to see it again?
Me: Come on Miami!!!
I’ve been telling everyone that I brought the green bean casserole. All I brought was my dog.
Her: You didn’t bring that
Me: Yes I did
Her: No you didn’t. I made that this morning
Me: Prove it
Her: You’re being a real jerk
Me: I’m taking that platter home and you can’t stop me
People are now doing their best to ignore me. Oh HELL no. I won’t be denied.
Her: This Penn State/Sandusky thing is just awful
Me: I know. Why are people trying to get in the way of love? Is love a crime?
Him: Are you serious?
Me: He loves those children in a way we’ll never know.
Them: You are so sick.
Me: No, I’m a dreamer.
Giving thanks for the entire Baylor football roster during grace really pissed off the guests. Some guy groaned when I said, “Please keep Baylor’s President Ken Starr safe and continue, as always, to give him your blessed guidance.” I didn’t see who it was since my eyes were closed but I bet he was a dirty liberal. I am listened to my Iphone during the rest of dinner, singing along to the songs. One couple got up and left in middle of “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon”.
I used my fork to carve my slice of pumpkin pie into a penis. You know where the whip cream went… I was asked to eat my desert in the living room.
Jack pot! There was a dog fight in the living room. My schaunzer just tore up a dachshund. There is blood all over my mom’s new carpet. The couple left to take their dog to an emergency vet.
Mom: What is wrong with your dog??
Me: Social anxiety?
Her look tells me that she will forever be pro choice.
Me: Hey, don’t be mad at me. It’s not my dog’s blood all over the place.
People are really pissed now.
Me: Next time let him finish. Dead dachshunds don’t bleed as much.
People are talking about me in the kitchen.
Me: Come on Cowboys! Tellin’ you what, no one can stop Staubach
Him: You mean Romo?
Me: That’s Aikman
The Cowboys are winning the game, I’m chanting “Marino, Marino, Marino” causing more guests to leave.
I just spilled half of of mycoffee on the floor, the other half is on my jeans. I’m being asked to leave.
Me: But the game isn’t over
Mom: It is for you
Me: I can’t drive home, I’m wasted
She shuts the front door and locks it. Someone else closes the garage door.
Time to go to the bar and watch the last ever UT/A&M game.