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How to Survive an Office Shooting

They all died

So I’m giving my annual fire safety lecture to the office. You know, because this place tends to hire people who can’t read an “Exit” sign and/or are confused by fire.

We get to the Q&A section and some smart ass asks…

“What if we have an office shooter?”

I’m not prepared for this but I do think pretty quickly on my feet, especially when I’m drunk at work and it’s 9 am.

“Well, you either hide under your desk like a calf waiting for the slaughter, flee screaming like a woman or fight back like the warrior God intended you to be.

This is Texas. We fight back with everything we have.

When some dude in a trench coat with a sawed-off pump action 12-gauge saunters into the office you need to look deep down inside, find that pussy part the public schools gave you, throw it on the ground and beg God for forgiveness for the hell you are about to unleash.

And when you come at that Terminator impersonator, you bring all the thunder and lightning that you can carry. Big time, brother.

Snap that Slim Jim and crack those eggs cause you’re gonna make the world’s biggest vigilante omelet, super-sized hero-style. Hercules himself will tell you “Good Job” while he hands you a cup of sweet honey wine brewed by a Commanche warrior princess.”

I got a lot of confused looks which tells me they were done answering questions so I threw them the double peace signs and shouted “Deuces” while I backed out of the conference room.

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Maybe you guys didn’t all memorize the Anarchist Cookbook before the 5th grade. Maybe you were busy playing video games instead of learning how to kill a street gang with nothing but a newspaper, a 5 lb of kitty litter and tennis ball.

Fuck, people! Get yourselves ready cuz here comes some shit that will save your life one day…


Preparing for the Office Six-Gun Psycho

We all got one in the office. We all know it’s just a matter of time before they flip out like Mary Lou Rhetton pulling off a coked up floor routine. You gotta solve a problem by preparing for the problem.

1) Don’t try to hide behind a fat person. This never works. The bullets zip right through that blubber and will put holes in you too. The worst part? Your holes will also be filled with the fatty’s blood and chunky cells. If you live, the fat cells will live with you. Soon, you will become fat and no one will have sex with you. DO NOT HIDE BEHIND THE TUBBY CO-WORKERS!!!

2) It’s a good idea to keep a roll of duct tape on your desk and a large collection of pens. You use the duct tape to secure the pens to your knuckles and no time you got the Wolverine thing going and are ready to whip mucho ass. DO NOT USE PENCILS CAUSE THEN THE EFFECT IS TOTALLY GAY AND USELESS!!!

3) Coffee cups are great projectiles, especially if they are full of acid. A jug of acid under your desk might sound excessive but you want to live, right?

4) The 1980’s are gone but Aqua Net lives on. Get a good Bic lighter. Get a can of pink Aqua Net. Now you have a badass flame thrower in your hands.

5) I don’t have children or loved ones or really anything going on for me in anyway that involves other people but I keep at least six picture frame on my desk. Why? You ever been hit Ninja-style with a flying picture frame? Right, you haven’t because if you had been hit and the thrower snapped his wrist with authority (like he should) you would be dead and dead people can’t read awesome blogs like this one. Dead people are dead. Dead people don’t read.

6) Bloody tampons are to office shooting psychos like garlic is to vampires. I have a whole wreath of bloody Tampax in my drawer ready for action. Hang the wreath around your neck and watch that office shooter hide in horror. Girls, making a wreath of your own used tamps might take a few months, depending on your flow. Guys? Your best bet is to rummage through the trash in the ladies’ restroom, that’s what I did.

7) Computer cables are an overlooked weapon in an emergency. Some good power cables make an excellent whip to enable you to bring out your inner Indiana Jones. Keep this tip in mind in case you also want to get your freak on with a marketing intern after hours (wink, wink).

All right, now you’ve got knowledge you can use. Be prepared. Chances are, you will NOT get a practice run on this type of thing.

Be safe.

Be strong.

Be crazy as a rat fucking a cat (that’s really extra crazy).

About Suburban War Lord

Suburban War Lord

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