Not to brag but getting an interview with Santa Claus in December is quite a catch. So I hope you enjoy getting behind the myth and deep into the jolliest soul around.
Me: So you’ve been in the toy distribution business since 1 AD. What were you doing before?
Santa: I was in the export/import business working the myrr arb from India to Israel. I also did a little bit of sanitation work.
Me: And the gift giving?
Santa: Well it started out as promotional give aways. The wise men were all over the marketing that first year, tied into their Bubbles Camel Wash chain. So I jumped in with Santa’s Sanitation frisbees and stress balls around 2 AD. By the time Jesus was 27 he said, “Hey Santa, how about some good shit this year?”
One thing led to another. The early years were easy. Just some Nazareth stops. Then we expanded into Bethlehem. The whole thing got crazy huge around 110 AD.
Me: When did you re-locate to the North Pole?
Santa: I got a thing for real estate and this worked out well. Europe was getting less pagan, the Muslims took over the middle east. So, yah, I’m glad I
moved up here 1,000 years ago.
Me: And the elves?
Santa: They are a pain in the ass. Next year we go into labor talks.
Santa: Love them. I started out with dogs. You know… “On Harley! On Red Merle! On Blue Merle! On Corky!” Loved working the sleigh with those dogs. Only needed four of them. Then one day Blue Merle fought some guy’s pit bull. Harley picked up this habit where he’d bark non-stop every where we flew. Then Corky ripped up some lady’s book shelf. The last straw was when Red Merle tore apart a bag of stuffed animals.
So they lay around the house now.
The reindeer just seemed like a nice fit. I thought about using penguins but I would have needed at least 50 to
pull the sleigh, and, well, no amount of magic dust could get them to fly right.
Me: So let’s play a game. I’ll say a name and you say “Naughty or Nice”
Me: The Strokes?
Santa: Nice. Hell, they help me deliver gifts in NYC every year.
Me: Taylor Swift?
Santa: Naughty and annoying.
Santa: He’s nice too.
Me: Sasha Grey?
Santa: So nicely naughty. All porn stars and what most call “sluts” are on my nice list. They give so much joy to everyone else.
Me: My Social Media followers?
Santa: Uh… I think they are about 85% nice.
Me: Joel Osteen?
Santa: Naughty. In fact, Jesus called and put almost all Baptists and other born agains on the naughty list. He hates them. We replaced them with the Jews this year. I think we should have had the Jews on the list from the get go but Jesus, being Jewish, thought it would mess up Chanukah.
The rule this year is, if you’re Jewish and have any sort of Christmas type lights or a tree or anything, I’m stopping in.
Santa: Mostly nice.
Santa: Mostly naughty.
Me: You’ve had scandals in the past…
Santa: Okay, look, I’ve been around over 2,000 years. Shit happens, okay?
Yah, I got drunk at Oscar Wilde’s once and let Jack Frost nip at my nose. It was one time!
Me: And the Tooth Fairy?
Santa: That caused a lot of pain in my marriage. We were friends. We’d share tips on how to bypass home security systems and how to avoid being shot in Alabama etc, etc.
One thing led to another and I fell in love. I always loved and will love Mrs. Claus. But I love the tooth fairy too.
Me: Any tough gift requests this year?
I’m sorry about your mom’s cancer but I can’t help you. I feel bad because you’re such a big booster for me but I can’t gift wellness or life. Sorry.
Me: It’s okay. I understand.
Santa: There’s this other girl who wants a galaxy. I gave her one when she was 5-years-old but she lost it so I’m not doing that again.
Me: Okay, any thoughts about retiring?
Santa: Actually… Yes. I’ve picked out my replacement. It’s time for a girl to do this job. She lives in a red state. Once she turns 40 I’m going to start training her and then she’ll take over at 45.
The key to being Santa is not having children of your own. Also, you gotta be super upbeat and positive.
Me: Why a girl?
Santa: I think it’s time for a gender change. Besides, a sexy Santa will be pretty cool.
Me: So… Cougar Claus in 5 to 10 years?
Me: Before you go, one time…
Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!
How was that?
Me: I don’t know. I’ve heard better.
Santa: I know, that guy at the Fox Valley Mall in Aurora, Illinois does it the best.
Maybe I should switch to “Merry Christmas, bitches! Deuces!”
Me: No. Don’t.