I’m at that age now where when my friends get married it is either their second or third trip down the aisle.
My favorite “most recent go” style of wedding is where they try to traipse down the aisle of some church to enter into a holy communion as if the whole audience didn’t know they were serial cheaters or recovering drug addicts or suffering from the disease known as “terminal asshole syndrome.”
It’s even better when they register for gifts because they’ve lost half of what they owned and really miss not having a full set of matching dishes. They’d buy it themselves but there are child support payments that get in the way.
But do not fret, I am all for love. It’s some strong mojo that even he can succomb to on a occasion and do foolish things until, eventually, Eva Green’s attorney sends a restraining order.
So, to help my love bird readers, I’ve come up with a new list of wedding vows. Just find your situation and roll with it.
The Born Again Christian Types
Do you, Dick and Jane, promise to be wierdly self righteous? Will you engage in gross behaviour like praying together each night that Jane will finally orgasm when you engage in that gift from Jesus known as the missionary position? Do you promise to live your lives, together, in a state of repression? Will mythology and superstition cause you to act in ways and say things that fell out of fashion some 300 years ago? Do you promise to vote a straight Republican ticket? Shall you love each other in a shallow “Jesus might get mad” way no matter what until you die of boredom?
The Same Sex Couple (Lesbian)
Will you, Rachel and Samantha, take each other to have and hold for the rest of your days? Do you promise to let your menstrual cycles sync? Shall you both wear Berkinstocks forever? Will you do stupid things like obssess over a sperm donor because while you previously adoted 8 homeless animals you’ll be damned if you don’t try to breed yourselves? And, yes, when you fall into that sexual state of “no touch” called “lesbian death bed syndrome” will you still hold hands at the Farmers Market, WNBA games and your wife’s softball games?
The Same Sex Couple (Gay Guys)
Do you, Bruce and Pedro, vow to be together as long as life is “fabulous” and easy? When one of you gets a little bit fat will you tease them mercilessly? Do you promise that your domestic squabbles, though minor, will be filled with drama for your co-workers enjoyment? Will you talk about how great you are at marriage to your straight friends and promise never to admit that getting married was one your dumbest ideas ever? Will you be wildly complicated about how you refer to your husband/partner/soul mate/dude that you are legally locked with/that person with a penis in your house… to the point that even your most supportive and enlightened friends stop inviting you anywhere? Do you promise to own great shoes?
Come on… Will you admit right now this is a bad idea and with five previous marriages between the two of you that this shit is dead on arrival? Do you swear that you love your kids more than their kids because “what the fuck is wrong with them?” and that one looks too much like their ex? Can you save us all some time and just not unpack every single box? Will you be totally unreasonable about the holidays to rest of your multiple families so that Christmas and Thanksgiving will suck forever? When this trainwreck finally stops burning with the heat of a thousand suns will you swear, here and now, to just stop getting married?
This marriage shit can be really hard and you know this, right? Will you keep your cell phones and bathroom doors locked? Will you have sex even when you just gorged on cheeze enchiladas? Will you keep your addictions manageable? Will you know when to shut the fuck up? Can you fake it until things get better? Will you at least pretend to work on your issues? Do you know half of everything is your fault? If someone bad mouths your spouse, will go into full Rambo First Blood mode? You understand you are marrying an extended family and they are totally fucked up, just like yours?
Mean Machine and Hot Wife 42, do you promise to avoid infecting your genitals? Will you swear to never leave an orgy, gang bang, glory hole or PTA meeting with a pregnancy of unkown origin? Do you promise that if you cheat you will at least film it and upload it onto YouPorn? Will you make awkward passes at your uninterested friends? Will you keep a large supply of batteries on hand at all times? When one of you finally realizes there is more to life than having really filthy sex, can we say “I told you so” and will you bask in the shame forever?