Horror Scopes and Whore Oh Scopes

Aries —

The stars say group activities prove beneficial on several levels, Aries. You might project powerful warmth and love for all life. And this means “orgy” time.

Taurus —

Looking at the heavens I can see you might find yourself in the public eye at some point today and you will be arrested because you should not do sex stuff at the zoo.

Gemini —

If you’ve considered a career in publishing, Gemini, this is the time to go for it. And by “publishing” the stars mean “charging people to subscribe to your lewd SnapChat account.”

Cancer —

Your dreams could be vivid, pleasant, and full of information to help you make a decision. But they are not. Your dreams are grounded in boring reality.

Leo —

The planetary energies surrounding love are promising, Leo. Like, you will totally fall in love with a 2,000 calorie serving of nachos today.

Virgo —

Today you should be glowing with good health, energy, and stamina however you are slowly withering on the vine.

Libra —

Current and potential love partners could feel strongly drawn to you. Really strongly drawn to you. You need to check the backseat of your car after work and karate chop the shower curtain before you try to take a crap.

Scorpio —

Important enterprises centering on your home could take up a lot of your energy over the next few days. This is good news for your webcam show but bad news for your parents.

Sagittarius —

Your imagination is operating at a high level and so is your ability to communicate with others. Seriously, screaming “Suck my shit soaked fuck hole, you clam digging, honky lipped, plaid and animal print wearing scab” at the bus that cuts you off in traffic is pretty inspired.

Capricorn —

Good news about money may have caused you to feel especially positive. This could attract new people to you and bring closer those already in your life. Like, a black widow who will soon seduce, rob and murder you.

Aquarius —

Your self-confidence, optimism, and determination should peak over the next few days. Fucking narcissist.

Pisces —

You might find that your understanding of others greatly increases, attracting new and old friends. This happens to most people when word gets out about their amateur porn performances.

Dear Abby: Men have problems too and stuff

cropped-image4.jpegDEAR ABBY: I have been blessed with success over the years and continue to provide a comfortable lifestyle for my wife and me. I will be celebrating my 74th birthday soon, and 55 years of marriage to my high school sweetheart.

When I come home from a busy day, I enjoy sitting down and having two generous cocktails while I listen to my favorite news station. I espouse my views on the political events of the day. And always, without exception, I verbalize my adoration for my wife and our family, and express how beautiful my wife is and how much I love her.

My wife becomes somewhat annoyed because I get loose with my opinions and comments because of the alcohol. She wants me to quit drinking every night before dinner. I feel there’s no harm because I have only two drinks.


Yah, buddy. She sounds like an ungrateful nag. You need to tell Carol (her name is Carol, right?) to get her shit together.

I suggest an old fashioned spanking for being disrespectful.

DEAR ABBY: I feel that the longer you go to the same hairdresser, the more she takes you for granted. The service gets worse. When I have shared this opinion with some of her other clients, they agreed.

The salon does not have a receptionist. Whoever is there just picks up the phone, whether the stylist is working on a customer or not. During my last haircut, which usually lasts about half an hour, she answered the phone six times. I pay for my appointment, and it should be at least relaxing. Have your readers had the same experience?


Uh… Guys don’t go to hair dressers unless they are a little funny, funny strange, not funny “ha-ha” at all.

Get your shit together, Mike, and go to a barber like a real man.

DEAR ABBY: My 85-year-old mother told me that upon her death she is leaving each of her children a letter expressing to them how they have hurt her throughout the years. Never once has she acknowledged how deeply she has hurt us. It affected our childhood and adulthood. I think if she feels we hurt her, she should say it to us while she’s living.

It has always been about Mom’s needs, not ours. I, for one, plan to put her unopened letter in her coffin to be buried with her when the time comes. Her letter is just a final hurtful arrow to stab us with, and I already have had a lifetime of that. I don’t need her to damage me further.

Am I wrong? Normally parents leave heartwarming letters to give their children peace. She reads your column, so I hope she reconsiders.


Yah, sounds like you put this passive aggressive plan together with a little help from your hair dresser. 

Man up and just tell her she’s a drag. GOD, YOU ARE SUCH A PUSSY!!!

Also, holding funerals with caskets etc is just throwing good money after bad money.

DEAR ABBY: I am an Irish-American man with a problem of the heart. I recently began reconnecting on social media with a girl I knew in high school. I wrote her several times, and she said what I wrote was very sweet and kind. She told me, however, that she was seeing someone. I said I understood and did not want to mess up the relationship.

I decided to bide my time and hope she becomes free. I love her with all my heart, and this waiting is killing me. Should I keep biding my time and waiting, or should I move on?


What does this have to do with being an Irish-American?

With your bad heart you are too feeble to do the sex stuff anyway.


She doesn’t like you.

Get over it.