DEAR ABBY: I love my daughter-in-law and I am afraid she is harming herself because of her addiction to tanning. Her boys are in high school and cannot remember their mother without a really dark tan. One son told his classmates in grade school that his mother was African-American when they were doing African-American studies. (She’s Caucasian.)

Let’s be really clear here…

1) Your grandson is retarded
2) You are jealous

Seriously, I can speak for all men when I say that the most important thing a girl can do is be attractive. Also, she should be delicious. Your daughter-in-law is accomplishing both of these things by doing her very best to mimic beef jerky which all guys love.

Kudos to her!

DEAR ABBY: We play softball at school a lot, and I can’t play well. I don’t know what to do, and the others laugh at me. What should a girl do?

First off… WHY do you want to play softball? Seriously.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Don’t you know that there are easier ways for a young lesbian to meet girls. And, please, do not try to tell me that you are NOT a lesbian because EVERYONE knows that only lesbians play softball. Real girls — women who like making out with guys — play tennis and golf and other sports that feature pretty clothing.

DEAR ABBY: I just found out my husband was arrested for being with a hooker. My in-laws (whom I love and adore) bailed him out of jail. No one said a word about it to me. I don’t know how to confront all of them with the fact that I know about this “dirty little secret.” What should I do?

Why are you trying to confront him and them? In fact, I’m thinking you need to look yourself dead in the eye and say “Thank God my man is getting laid elsewhere.” This will free you up for your own pursuits. Maybe you can have an affair. Maybe you can quit your job. Maybe you can day drink your face off. It doesn’t matter what you do now.
Why?
Cause when your husband is banging a dirty street hooker you have just been given the ultimate hall pass to total freedom. No matter what you do, if any one in your family raises an eyebrow scream “My husband slept with a dirty street hooker!!!”
I’m frankly a bit envious of you.

DEAR ABBY: I’m 11 and in the sixth grade. I am very self-conscious. Every girl in my grade has a bigger chest than me, and I am feeling insecure because mine isn’t developed.
I know I am young, but I want to fit in. Every day I feel horrible about myself. Can you help?

You should feel terrible. No one will every love you if your boobs don’t grow. Your only hope is to learn to play softball or save up for some silicone.

DEAR ABBY: My 2-year-old daughter has recently become boob-obsessed. The first thing she does in the morning is point at my chest and say, “Boobs!” If she hugs me, she tries to grab them. Sometimes I catch her staring at my chest in fascination. I scold her when she grabs at them, but it’s disturbing.
I never taught her the word “boob” and feel annoyed that she probably learned it from our sitter. When I spoke to the sitter about it, she laughed and said it’s perfectly normal and that a lot of kids are boob-obsessed. But it doesn’t seem normal to me, and I’m creeped out.
I have started wearing sweatshirts to keep covered up. My little girl has also started grabbing my butt and lifting up my shirt, and I’m nervous about how she’s acting around the sitter and other women in the family. Is this behavior normal?

Wow…

I would suggest you go to the nearest sporting goods store and get that girl a softball glove.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorcee in my 40s who is in a committed relationship with a man who is also divorced. We have been together for three years, live together, love each other unconditionally and have talked extensively about getting married.
My question is, am I wrong to expect a traditional proposal with an engagement ring? It is important to me that he would think enough of me to plan one. I feel if he did it for his first wife, he should do the same — or more — for me. Would it be in bad taste to mention this? — ASKING TOO MUCH? IN PENNSYLVANIA

Lazlo says: Hey, you are used goods. Be grateful anyone gives a crap about you. I’m sorry you both want to fuck up your lives again.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, “Tina,” and I made a resolution to lose weight for our wedding. Everything has been going great except for one thing. Because men lose weight faster than women, I now weigh less at 6 foot 1 than she does at 5 feet 4.
Tina already has self-esteem issues. What can I do? — AT A LOSS IN MICHIGAN

Lazlo says: If you are over 6 feet tall and weigh less than your 5 foot 4 inch fiance then I’m going out on a limb and saying… She’s built like a bowling ball. She is NOT dieting you dumbass. Dump the fatty. You obviously don’t love her for who she is, dick.

DEAR ABBY: My husband gave me a lovely necklace for my birthday. The problem is it’s made of stainless steel and I’m allergic to it. He did this before, and that time I asked him to return it. However, he never got around to it and eventually it went to charity.
What do I do this time? Tell him and risk hurting his feelings? Or shove it in a drawer forever? — THANKS, BUT … IN AUSTRIA

Lazlo says: LMAO He bought you a “lovely stainless steel” necklace?!?!? There is no such thing. It probably cost less than $20.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 10-year-old son. “Zack’s” a great kid, creative, funny and athletic. He has decided to grow his hair long. My husband and I figure it’s not illegal or immoral, so why fight it?
My family does not share our opinion. My mom and sister are cruel in their opposition to Zack growing his hair. They tell him he looks like a girl and call him names. There have been bribes, bullying and instances of utter insanity on their part, trying to make him cut it.
My sister’s son has been physically and verbally cruel to Zack, and she thinks it’s funny. She’s repeating a pattern from when we were children of being the “toughest” — if you can’t handle the abuse, you’re a “baby.”
I need to know how to stand up to these family members for my son. It’s a struggle for me to speak to them face-to-face, and they have called me a coward for sending email messages. My mother lives alone and sometimes has suicidal thoughts. Zack is stressed because he loves his grandma, but can’t deal with her harassment. Can you help? — GUILT-RIDDEN AND STRESSED IN ONTARIO, CANADA

Lazlo says: Your son sounds like a long haired pussy.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend’s husband has been texting me. When he did it the first time, he had been drinking and my friend was asleep. Some of the things he said made me uncomfortable, but I also didn’t like that he said his wife didn’t know what he was doing. He stopped after I told him I was uncomfortable with it.
Now he has started up again, offering support because my mother passed away recently. I am honestly not sure whether he’s trying to be a good friend or if he’s looking for something more, and that scares me. I don’t want to start trouble between my friend and her husband, especially because they seem so happy together. Any ideas on how to handle this? — UNSETTLED IN OHIO

Lazlo says: Telling his wife would be pretty shitty. This dude is trying to comfort you. Frankly, you owe him a blow job.

DEAR ABBY: I am a happily married, heterosexual cross-dressing male. My wife understands and is supportive, and we have a wonderful life together.
During the past week I have been caught unexpectedly by three different neighbors, and we are now in a state of panic. We’re not sure what to do. If you have any suggestions, we are all ears. — CAUGHT IN A PANIC

Lazlo says: Hey! Chillax. So what if you’re a kinky freak. I bet these neighbors never liked you to begin with.

DEAR ABBY: I am 25. My husband is 50, and we have been married for three years. We are in a healthy relationship, raise his 12-year-old together and are trying for our own children. We have plans for the rest of our lives, are in good health, have regular checkups, and our life insurance and estate planning are in order.
But, Abby, sometimes I find myself worrying about his age. I cry when I contemplate spending a chunk of my life alone because I don’t think I could ever love anyone else as strongly as I do him. — HAPPILY MARRIED IN HENDERSON, NEV.

Lazlo says: Do NOT have kids with this dude. Yes, he’s gonna die before you hit 40. You’ll probably be sick of him by then any way.

DEAR ABBY: Enlighten me, please. A friend told me her daughter is expecting. She has not said one word about a boyfriend or marriage. How do I diplomatically ask, “Who is the father?”
People in my generation already knew the answer. Marriage came first. Is this now “none of my business”? The grandma-to-be has offered no clue. Can you help me out? — OUT OF THE LOOP OUT WEST

Lazlo says: She’s not telling you because it’s hard for most mothers to say “My daughter is a slut who can’t figure out which of the 5 guys she fucked that night got her pregnant.” You should be less nosey.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a 13-year-old girl who suffers from what I’m afraid is obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have known for four years, but I never told my parents. I finally opened up to them a few days ago, and I thought they wanted to help. But later I heard them mock my condition and laugh about it.
Abby, I thought my parents wanted to help me, but it’s becoming clear that they don’t. They have offered me therapy, but I’m scared they will mock me for that, too. Now I’m afraid to go. Should I? — O.C.D. DAUGHTER

Lazlo says: I’m laughing too because you didn’t even say how this OCD is manefesting itself. You’d think an obsessive would mention that shit.

DEAR ABBY: I’m never happy with just one partner. It’s not that I want to go out and have a different man every night of the week — just some options. I’m currently in a polyamorous relationship, so seeing other men is OK. But my boyfriend is now asking me why I feel the way I do because he is considering becoming monogamous again.
I crave something different from man to man and seek whatever the other one doesn’t have. I have been with my fair share of guys, yet there doesn’t seem to be one person who has all the qualities I need in my life. Should I just stay single and noncommittal forever? — FICKLE IN FORT WAYNE

Lazlo says: I honestly thought you signed this letter as “Fuck me in Fort Wayne” but anyway…

You love dick. It’s how you are.

Have you learned nothing from today’s letters? Everyone hates monogamy. And marriage leads to stupid kids with stupider problems.

Go forth, Fickle, and fuck yer brains out.