Category Archives: I’m on a Rant

I’m a Gulper, Not a Sipper

I just got to my mom’s house and it’s Thanksgiving.

I don’t know anyone here. This should be great. I’m going to be in rare form

I’ve been here 15 minutes and some guy I don’t know is telling me to slow down.

Him: That’s a lot of bourbon

Me: I’m a gulper, not a sipper

Him: Are you driving home?

Me: Might let the dog drive

4 pm

I just carpet bombed my mom’s living room with F-bombs after Dallas didn’t take the kick off out of the endzone. This lady is staring at me.

Me: I got 5 large riding on Dallas to win

I’ve switched to cheering for Miami. People are either too scared or too confused to say anything

4:15 pm

I let the dog in and he jumped all over some lady in a cream pants suit. She is coated with paw prints.

Me: I thought we were in a drought here in Houston

Her: Aren’t you going to clean off his paws?

Me: Looks like he’s clean now

Her: This is dry clean only

Me: Cool, they should be open tomorrow. Shit! Come on Dallas!!!

4:26 pm

I slipped into the back yard and some codger caught me pissing on my mom’s azaleas.

Him: Whoops, sorry

Me: There’s room for two

Him: Uh, no thanks

Me: So… You want to see it again?

Him: What?!?

Me: Come on Miami!!!

4:58 pm

I’ve been telling everyone that I brought the green bean casserole. All I brought was my dog.

Her: You didn’t bring that

Me: Yes I did

Her: No you didn’t. I made that this morning

Me: Prove it

Her: You’re being a real jerk

Me: I’m taking that platter home and you can’t stop me

5:08 pm

People are now doing their best to ignore me. Oh HELL no. I won’t be denied.

Her: This Penn State/Sandusky thing is just awful

Me: I know. Why are people trying to get in the way of love? Is love a crime?

Him: Are you serious?

Me: He loves those children in a way we’ll never know.

Them: You are so sick.

Me: No, I’m a dreamer.

5:16 pm

Giving thanks for the entire Baylor football roster during grace really pissed off the guests. Some guy groaned when I said, “Please keep Baylor’s President Ken Starr safe and continue, as always, to give him your blessed guidance.” I didn’t see who it was since my eyes were closed but I bet he was a dirty liberal. I am listened to my Iphone during the rest of dinner, singing along to the songs. One couple got up and left in middle of “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon”.

5:37 pm

I used my fork to carve my slice of pumpkin pie into a penis. You know where the whip cream went… I was asked to eat my desert in the living room.

6:05 pm

Jack pot! There was a dog fight in the living room. My schaunzer just tore up a dachshund. There is blood all over my mom’s new carpet. The couple left to take their dog to an emergency vet.

Mom: What is wrong with your dog??

Me: Social anxiety?

Her look tells me that she will forever be pro choice.

Me: Hey, don’t be mad at me. It’s not my dog’s blood all over the place.

People are really pissed now.

Me: Next time let him finish. Dead dachshunds don’t bleed as much.

6:10 pm

People are talking about me in the kitchen.

Me: Come on Cowboys! Tellin’ you what, no one can stop Staubach

Him: You mean Romo?

Me: That’s Aikman

6:15 pm

The Cowboys are winning the game, I’m chanting “Marino, Marino, Marino” causing more guests to leave.

6:25 pm

I just spilled half of of mycoffee on the floor, the other half is on my jeans. I’m being asked to leave.

Me: But the game isn’t over

Mom: It is for you

Me: I can’t drive home, I’m wasted

She shuts the front door and locks it. Someone else closes the garage door.

Time to go to the bar and watch the last ever UT/A&M game.

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Silicone Sisters

Women with perfectly nice ta-ta’s are ruining them with breast implants and it’s all Hollywood’s fault.

Some girls with normal boobs

Sure, I can see hitting up your local silicone or saline dealer if your left side is a C cup and your right side is, well, a 12-year-old boy. But pumping a happy set of A cups to D cups for the hell of it is wrong.

Hollywood sets the beauty trends for the world, much more so than New York or Paris. And for whatever reason, the place seems to hand out a new set of boobies with every SAG card they issue.

People get all bent out of shape about Wal-mart and Mc Donald’s slowly turning this country into one big homegenous land of conformity. I can understand their concerns.

But this is a bigger problem. We are slowly recasting healthy, nubile women into plasticized dead zones of boring lolly pop body shapes.

Just pull a movie from the 70’s or very early 80’s and start comparing the female forms. It was a lush landscape in those heady days of gratuitous nudity.

Those movies are filled with a great number of slick minxes which are sadly on the verge of extinction now.

If an actress had boobs larger than C cups then, she also had a rich quarter inch of fat slathered over her limbs. That’s the way it should be.

The last movie to really tackle this subject in any serious fashion was Weird Science.

In it,  our brave heroes are given the opportunity to create the ultimate woman.

“Nothing bigger than a handful or you might sprain your tongue,” was their determination.

Out pops Kelly LeBrock. She was brunette perfection in those days. The accent and the fact that she’s most likely a whip cracking Republican pushes her from the edge of hotness into the land of impossibility where steel flows like water and Vanderbilt wins the SEC.

Unfortunately, Hollywood wasn’t listening. Boob jobs became cheap when doctors started offering payment plans after 1985 and the assault on genetics kicked into high gear. Suddenly, everyone had them.

There was a valiant fight put up by B cup warrior Gwen Stefani in 1995, but it wasn’t enough to stop the tide. Instead of following Stefani’s sleek and sophisticated sexiness, the world kept enhancing itself into retardom. Case in point: the Tara Reid breast explosion at the start of the new millenium.

Ah… There is some one for the women of today to emulate, Tara Reid.

But who is going to make sure we maintain a healthy mix of female body types?

Like all social revolutions, you have to think globally and act locally.

Personally, just last week I started my own one man campaign to preserve the athletic fox and modest breasted matress thrasher. Every time I saw a smaller breasted woman I said to her, “You little boobies are fantastic. Thousands of men would like to do sexy things to you. Be a proud member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.”

The responses prove how deeply brain washed A cup and B cup women have become.

“Fuck you, creep.”

“Don’t touch me.”

“Why the hell would you say to me in front of my children?”

Others simply hosed my face with pepper spray. One had security remove me from Memorial City Mall. I’m now banned from Victoria’s Secret.

That’s why I think we need to get Hollywood to stop the small boob genocide they created. One man can’t do it on his own.

If Hollywood can create shows like Glee that make singing losers seem cool, I have faith that through the power of casting they can preserve the small breasted body.

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