The Last Words Sent

I wasn’t going to post this on here. It was just, I don’t know… too personal.
So it’s been sitting in my email for a few weeks and I’ve come really close to accidentally deleting it (those that know me know I delete just about everything I ever send or recieve). The thing is, I want to make sure it’s safe so I can go back and read it. This is probably the safest place I know.
Of course, the downside is that it’s now public and no longer private.
So here is the last email sent to me by my grandmother and my reply back to her.
Dear  Lazlo,
I’m sorry to have let so much time pass before answering your E-mail.
I liked your story very much (She’s talking about the Juniper Tice story ).
And it will be good for some nice girl to do the art work for it.
In the meanwhile , we’ve had the terrible news about (your mother).
I wanted to call you immediately but I just couldn’t do it.  Sometimes you have to let these things sink in a while.
Then  (your grandfather’s) cancer came back to my memory and I had to live that over again.
Poor Bruce and Mary to have to go through this again.  They are strong people and they will handle it  but it will not  be easy.
They plan to come to see me but will you do something for me? Don’t let them come if it’s about my old age.
They have enough things to worry about .  And you and your sister – how sad this is for all of us!
So I write back….
Dear Grandma Dottie,

No, they are coming to see you because my mother loves you very much. You’ve always been much more than a mother-in-law to her. I can’t tell you how many times she would say “When I grow up I want to be just like Dottie.”My dad said the doctors do not think she will live past a year, even with the chemo.My mom keeps saying she is sorry for getting sick again so soon.I’m so sad about this I can’t even begin to explain it except to say that I’m crying all the time for her and for my father.It just doesn’t seem right or fair at all. So please encourage them to come see you and please help them enjoy their time with you, the (my aunt and uncle) and their friends.I love you very much and you can call me ANYTIME you feel like it.– Lazlo

She called me two week later and we talked about what to get my father for his birthday. She had a stroke a week after that and died one week later.

From the hospital, she had my aunt call me. She wanted to hear me sing “Ring of Fire” for her, just like I did as a 5-year-old.

So I did it right there at work, complete with the faux Tijuana brass fills. Because, ultimately, you do whatever whenever you can for people you love.

I don’t know…

What would she tell me now?

She’d say…
People worry about love and life and where they are going and what they are doing. Do not worry so much. Honestly, the worrying is what kills you. If you love someone, smother them with it as much as you can. You never know when that light will burn out. So use that illumination to learn as much about yourself and others as you can.
Don’t ever stop trying. Just give it all you got as much as you can all the time.
Be a scholar. Be a poet. Be a scientist. Be a thinker. Be something with what days you have.
That’s all.

How to Survive an Office Shooting

They all died

So I’m giving my annual fire safety lecture to the office. You know, because this place tends to hire people who can’t read an “Exit” sign and/or are confused by fire.

We get to the Q&A section and some smart ass asks…

“What if we have an office shooter?”

I’m not prepared for this but I do think pretty quickly on my feet, especially when I’m drunk at work and it’s 9 am.

“Well, you either hide under your desk like a calf waiting for the slaughter, flee screaming like a woman or fight back like the warrior God intended you to be.

This is Texas. We fight back with everything we have.

When some dude in a trench coat with a sawed-off pump action 12-gauge saunters into the office you need to look deep down inside, find that pussy part the public schools gave you, throw it on the ground and beg God for forgiveness for the hell you are about to unleash.

And when you come at that Terminator impersonator, you bring all the thunder and lightning that you can carry. Big time, brother.

Snap that Slim Jim and crack those eggs cause you’re gonna make the world’s biggest vigilante omelet, super-sized hero-style. Hercules himself will tell you “Good Job” while he hands you a cup of sweet honey wine brewed by a Commanche warrior princess.”

I got a lot of confused looks which tells me they were done answering questions so I threw them the double peace signs and shouted “Deuces” while I backed out of the conference room.

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Maybe you guys didn’t all memorize the Anarchist Cookbook before the 5th grade. Maybe you were busy playing video games instead of learning how to kill a street gang with nothing but a newspaper, a 5 lb of kitty litter and tennis ball.

Fuck, people! Get yourselves ready cuz here comes some shit that will save your life one day…


Preparing for the Office Six-Gun Psycho

We all got one in the office. We all know it’s just a matter of time before they flip out like Mary Lou Rhetton pulling off a coked up floor routine. You gotta solve a problem by preparing for the problem.

1) Don’t try to hide behind a fat person. This never works. The bullets zip right through that blubber and will put holes in you too. The worst part? Your holes will also be filled with the fatty’s blood and chunky cells. If you live, the fat cells will live with you. Soon, you will become fat and no one will have sex with you. DO NOT HIDE BEHIND THE TUBBY CO-WORKERS!!!

2) It’s a good idea to keep a roll of duct tape on your desk and a large collection of pens. You use the duct tape to secure the pens to your knuckles and no time you got the Wolverine thing going and are ready to whip mucho ass. DO NOT USE PENCILS CAUSE THEN THE EFFECT IS TOTALLY GAY AND USELESS!!!

3) Coffee cups are great projectiles, especially if they are full of acid. A jug of acid under your desk might sound excessive but you want to live, right?

4) The 1980’s are gone but Aqua Net lives on. Get a good Bic lighter. Get a can of pink Aqua Net. Now you have a badass flame thrower in your hands.

5) I don’t have children or loved ones or really anything going on for me in anyway that involves other people but I keep at least six picture frame on my desk. Why? You ever been hit Ninja-style with a flying picture frame? Right, you haven’t because if you had been hit and the thrower snapped his wrist with authority (like he should) you would be dead and dead people can’t read awesome blogs like this one. Dead people are dead. Dead people don’t read.

6) Bloody tampons are to office shooting psychos like garlic is to vampires. I have a whole wreath of bloody Tampax in my drawer ready for action. Hang the wreath around your neck and watch that office shooter hide in horror. Girls, making a wreath of your own used tamps might take a few months, depending on your flow. Guys? Your best bet is to rummage through the trash in the ladies’ restroom, that’s what I did.

7) Computer cables are an overlooked weapon in an emergency. Some good power cables make an excellent whip to enable you to bring out your inner Indiana Jones. Keep this tip in mind in case you also want to get your freak on with a marketing intern after hours (wink, wink).

All right, now you’ve got knowledge you can use. Be prepared. Chances are, you will NOT get a practice run on this type of thing.

Be safe.

Be strong.

Be crazy as a rat fucking a cat (that’s really extra crazy).