Three Terrifying Truths From My Youth

Happy World AIDS Day, I guess.

How do you celebrate World AIDS Day?

Party cause you don’t have AIDS?

Party cause you DO have AIDS?

And where is the special day for people with HIV but not AIDS?

As a child of the 80’s there were 3 things I knew for certain would happen.

1) At some point, some stranger would grab me and force me to take drugs. A cop once came to Nottingham Elementary and told us that the hippie people put PCP in the salt shakers at McDonald’s just to see kids freak out. What? Holy crap!

2) Red Dawn was going to happen before I hit puberty and it was up to me and my band of guerilla warriors to hunker down along the banks of the Buffalo Bayou and fight off the commies.

The third certainty?

No matter what, we would all die of AIDS.

You could try abstinance but that wasn’t even a guarantee. You knew someone was smearing AIDS on the sporks at Kentucky Fried Chicken and the elevator buttons at the Town and Country Mall.

You would never know because…

The liberal amounts of PCP masked the bitter taste of the AIDS juice and then…

With our minds polluted by hippie drugs…

With our bodies weakened by all the AIDS we’d catching…

Russia would invade us.