Cook these pickles

Okay, I lied.
You aren’t going to “cook” anything at all with this recipe.
There will be some stirring and some slicing and some chopping but there will be no flames.
I know, fire is fun, right? Sorry.
Why make your own pickles?
Why not?
Fuck. Seriously. We are making these God damn dishes for one reason and one reason only:
These are cold packed pickles and they are going to taste better than anything you can buy in a store. They are simple. They also involve a rare thing these days…

Waiting for something to finish.

1 Cup White Vinegar (90 grain of 9% acidity)

3 Cups water

½ cup pickling salt

Mix that shit in a glass bowl or something until the salt is disolved. If you can’t find the 90 grain vinegar, use algebra to add more water to get the dillution percentage correct.

You also have to use pickling salt or the brine will get cloudy and ugly and you will not impress anyone with your pickles.

Now go find a glass jar with a lid that looks like pickles might fit into it.

In each jar place:

1 tsp dill weed

4 whole cloves garlic

2 sliced jalapenos

1/3 sliced white onion

Jam this shit into jars. Push on it some to make sure you have room for the cucumbers.

Now, I hope to God you bought pickling cucumbers. They look like, well, pickles. If you bought the ones you find in nicer salads then you’ve fucked up and need to go back to the store.

Slice the ends off the cucumbers because there is some bad magic in the ends that make things slimey.


If you want coins, make them 1/4 thick

The best way is to just slice them in half, lengthwise. Spears are okay too.

Pack the cucumbers into the jar and make sure they are an inch from the top.

Pour that brine over vegetables and put lid on.

Now you are going to an adult and be patient.

Leave the jat on counter for 24hours and then refridgerate the pickles for another 24 hours before eating.

During one 24-hour period they “cure” and the other 24-hours makes them “pickle” and I can’t remember which is which so just follow the damn directions, okay?


Eventually, put these pickles on a nicer platter with cheese and salami meat and some green apple slices and crackers and then crack open some cold beer and look like a crafty genius for your friends.