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Learn To Drink


People under estimate what it takes to drink.

Just about any one can grab a bottle of something fermented and drink themself into a stupor. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about REALLY drinking.

To enjoy alcohol you have to learn to hit that subtle buzz and then ride the wave all the way to shore. If you push it to far, you’ll wind thrown into the surf, dashed into the ocean floor. If stop too early, the momentum will leave you in a frothy mix of headaches and a dry tongue.

Once you’ve located that subtle shift from sobriety to “don’t really give a fuck” you can progress to living a drinking life that is “the high end of social.”

The true drinker is the 24-hour drinker.

This doesn’t mean they drink non-stop for 24-hours at a time. That would be a drunk. Nobody likes a drunk.

The 24-hour drinker is ready and willing to enter into a drinking session at any time of the day.

It’s important to learn what to drink as well.

In general, if it is carbonated, flavored and wine based you should never drink it.

Establish early in life (before you hit 16-years-old but are past 14-years-old) your beer brand. Don’t choose an import, this will mean you are a douchebag.  Also, do not select a micro beer. The micro beer is the choice of snobs and no one likes to drink with a snob. If you can’t find the beer in a gasoline station or it does not come in something larger than 12 oz cans and bottles, you have failed to select the right brand. You don’t have to solely drink your beer brand, but you have to be able to smile when someone brings you a serving of your designated beer brand.

The only hard liquor you must learn how to drink on the rocks is bourbon. When you order straight bourbon, it establishes that you have class. If you are a girl and drink bourbon, well, that’s just sexy.

Any drink with a cute name (Dirty Girl Scout, Fuzzy Navel, Sex on the Beach etc) may only be ordered by a girl, preferably between the ages of 18 and 22.

Anyone can order a drink with a pink hue except for gay men.  Why not the gays? Because we don’t to be adding to stereotypes, do we?

If you are ordering a cocktail because your favorite fictional character also drinks that cocktail, you are a dork and probably should drink alone.

Good luck.

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About Suburban War Lord

Suburban War Lord

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