DEAR ABBY: I am a divorcee in my 40s who is in a committed relationship with a man who is also divorced. We have been together for three years, live together, love each other unconditionally and have talked extensively about getting married.
My question is, am I wrong to expect a traditional proposal with an engagement ring? It is important to me that he would think enough of me to plan one. I feel if he did it for his first wife, he should do the same — or more — for me. Would it be in bad taste to mention this? — ASKING TOO MUCH? IN PENNSYLVANIA
Lazlo says: Hey, you are used goods. Be grateful anyone gives a crap about you. I’m sorry you both want to fuck up your lives again.
DEAR ABBY: My fiancee, “Tina,” and I made a resolution to lose weight for our wedding. Everything has been going great except for one thing. Because men lose weight faster than women, I now weigh less at 6 foot 1 than she does at 5 feet 4.
Tina already has self-esteem issues. What can I do? — AT A LOSS IN MICHIGAN
Lazlo says: If you are over 6 feet tall and weigh less than your 5 foot 4 inch fiance then I’m going out on a limb and saying… She’s built like a bowling ball. She is NOT dieting you dumbass. Dump the fatty. You obviously don’t love her for who she is, dick.
DEAR ABBY: My husband gave me a lovely necklace for my birthday. The problem is it’s made of stainless steel and I’m allergic to it. He did this before, and that time I asked him to return it. However, he never got around to it and eventually it went to charity.
What do I do this time? Tell him and risk hurting his feelings? Or shove it in a drawer forever? — THANKS, BUT … IN AUSTRIA
Lazlo says: LMAO He bought you a “lovely stainless steel” necklace?!?!? There is no such thing. It probably cost less than $20.
DEAR ABBY: I have a 10-year-old son. “Zack’s” a great kid, creative, funny and athletic. He has decided to grow his hair long. My husband and I figure it’s not illegal or immoral, so why fight it?
My family does not share our opinion. My mom and sister are cruel in their opposition to Zack growing his hair. They tell him he looks like a girl and call him names. There have been bribes, bullying and instances of utter insanity on their part, trying to make him cut it.
My sister’s son has been physically and verbally cruel to Zack, and she thinks it’s funny. She’s repeating a pattern from when we were children of being the “toughest” — if you can’t handle the abuse, you’re a “baby.”
I need to know how to stand up to these family members for my son. It’s a struggle for me to speak to them face-to-face, and they have called me a coward for sending email messages. My mother lives alone and sometimes has suicidal thoughts. Zack is stressed because he loves his grandma, but can’t deal with her harassment. Can you help? — GUILT-RIDDEN AND STRESSED IN ONTARIO, CANADA
Lazlo says: Your son sounds like a long haired pussy.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend’s husband has been texting me. When he did it the first time, he had been drinking and my friend was asleep. Some of the things he said made me uncomfortable, but I also didn’t like that he said his wife didn’t know what he was doing. He stopped after I told him I was uncomfortable with it.
Now he has started up again, offering support because my mother passed away recently. I am honestly not sure whether he’s trying to be a good friend or if he’s looking for something more, and that scares me. I don’t want to start trouble between my friend and her husband, especially because they seem so happy together. Any ideas on how to handle this? — UNSETTLED IN OHIO
Lazlo says: Telling his wife would be pretty shitty. This dude is trying to comfort you. Frankly, you owe him a blow job.
DEAR ABBY: I am a happily married, heterosexual cross-dressing male. My wife understands and is supportive, and we have a wonderful life together.
During the past week I have been caught unexpectedly by three different neighbors, and we are now in a state of panic. We’re not sure what to do. If you have any suggestions, we are all ears. — CAUGHT IN A PANIC
Lazlo says: Hey! Chillax. So what if you’re a kinky freak. I bet these neighbors never liked you to begin with.
DEAR ABBY: I am 25. My husband is 50, and we have been married for three years. We are in a healthy relationship, raise his 12-year-old together and are trying for our own children. We have plans for the rest of our lives, are in good health, have regular checkups, and our life insurance and estate planning are in order.
But, Abby, sometimes I find myself worrying about his age. I cry when I contemplate spending a chunk of my life alone because I don’t think I could ever love anyone else as strongly as I do him. — HAPPILY MARRIED IN HENDERSON, NEV.
Lazlo says: Do NOT have kids with this dude. Yes, he’s gonna die before you hit 40. You’ll probably be sick of him by then any way.
DEAR ABBY: Enlighten me, please. A friend told me her daughter is expecting. She has not said one word about a boyfriend or marriage. How do I diplomatically ask, “Who is the father?”
People in my generation already knew the answer. Marriage came first. Is this now “none of my business”? The grandma-to-be has offered no clue. Can you help me out? — OUT OF THE LOOP OUT WEST
Lazlo says: She’s not telling you because it’s hard for most mothers to say “My daughter is a slut who can’t figure out which of the 5 guys she fucked that night got her pregnant.” You should be less nosey.
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 13-year-old girl who suffers from what I’m afraid is obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have known for four years, but I never told my parents. I finally opened up to them a few days ago, and I thought they wanted to help. But later I heard them mock my condition and laugh about it.
Abby, I thought my parents wanted to help me, but it’s becoming clear that they don’t. They have offered me therapy, but I’m scared they will mock me for that, too. Now I’m afraid to go. Should I? — O.C.D. DAUGHTER
Lazlo says: I’m laughing too because you didn’t even say how this OCD is manefesting itself. You’d think an obsessive would mention that shit.
DEAR ABBY: I’m never happy with just one partner. It’s not that I want to go out and have a different man every night of the week — just some options. I’m currently in a polyamorous relationship, so seeing other men is OK. But my boyfriend is now asking me why I feel the way I do because he is considering becoming monogamous again.
I crave something different from man to man and seek whatever the other one doesn’t have. I have been with my fair share of guys, yet there doesn’t seem to be one person who has all the qualities I need in my life. Should I just stay single and noncommittal forever? — FICKLE IN FORT WAYNE
Lazlo says: I honestly thought you signed this letter as “Fuck me in Fort Wayne” but anyway…
You love dick. It’s how you are.
Have you learned nothing from today’s letters? Everyone hates monogamy. And marriage leads to stupid kids with stupider problems.
Go forth, Fickle, and fuck yer brains out.