DEAR ABBY: I love my daughter-in-law and I am afraid she is harming herself because of her addiction to tanning. Her boys are in high school and cannot remember their mother without a really dark tan. One son told his classmates in grade school that his mother was African-American when they were doing African-American studies. (She’s Caucasian.)

Let’s be really clear here…

1) Your grandson is retarded
2) You are jealous

Seriously, I can speak for all men when I say that the most important thing a girl can do is be attractive. Also, she should be delicious. Your daughter-in-law is accomplishing both of these things by doing her very best to mimic beef jerky which all guys love.

Kudos to her!

DEAR ABBY: We play softball at school a lot, and I can’t play well. I don’t know what to do, and the others laugh at me. What should a girl do?

First off… WHY do you want to play softball? Seriously.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

Don’t you know that there are easier ways for a young lesbian to meet girls. And, please, do not try to tell me that you are NOT a lesbian because EVERYONE knows that only lesbians play softball. Real girls — women who like making out with guys — play tennis and golf and other sports that feature pretty clothing.

DEAR ABBY: I just found out my husband was arrested for being with a hooker. My in-laws (whom I love and adore) bailed him out of jail. No one said a word about it to me. I don’t know how to confront all of them with the fact that I know about this “dirty little secret.” What should I do?

Why are you trying to confront him and them? In fact, I’m thinking you need to look yourself dead in the eye and say “Thank God my man is getting laid elsewhere.” This will free you up for your own pursuits. Maybe you can have an affair. Maybe you can quit your job. Maybe you can day drink your face off. It doesn’t matter what you do now.
Why?
Cause when your husband is banging a dirty street hooker you have just been given the ultimate hall pass to total freedom. No matter what you do, if any one in your family raises an eyebrow scream “My husband slept with a dirty street hooker!!!”
I’m frankly a bit envious of you.

DEAR ABBY: I’m 11 and in the sixth grade. I am very self-conscious. Every girl in my grade has a bigger chest than me, and I am feeling insecure because mine isn’t developed.
I know I am young, but I want to fit in. Every day I feel horrible about myself. Can you help?

You should feel terrible. No one will every love you if your boobs don’t grow. Your only hope is to learn to play softball or save up for some silicone.

DEAR ABBY: My 2-year-old daughter has recently become boob-obsessed. The first thing she does in the morning is point at my chest and say, “Boobs!” If she hugs me, she tries to grab them. Sometimes I catch her staring at my chest in fascination. I scold her when she grabs at them, but it’s disturbing.
I never taught her the word “boob” and feel annoyed that she probably learned it from our sitter. When I spoke to the sitter about it, she laughed and said it’s perfectly normal and that a lot of kids are boob-obsessed. But it doesn’t seem normal to me, and I’m creeped out.
I have started wearing sweatshirts to keep covered up. My little girl has also started grabbing my butt and lifting up my shirt, and I’m nervous about how she’s acting around the sitter and other women in the family. Is this behavior normal?

Wow…

I would suggest you go to the nearest sporting goods store and get that girl a softball glove.