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The Great Flood

“One day a real rain will come and wash all the scum off the streets. Now I see clearly…”
— The Clash, Red Angel Dragnet

How was the great Houston flood?

It was… Awesome.

You see, I’m sort of like Noah and God came and told me in advance that a hard rain was coming and I, of course, was choosen to survive.

There was a long list of supplies to get:


1 fresh keg of Modelo Especial

2 cartons of Marlboro 72’s ultra lights

50 pounds of ice

2 briskets

4 bags of tortilla chips

1 gallon Pace Picante (medium)

6 rings of Holmes smoked sausage

2 yellow onions

1 jar Polish dill pickles

1 jar pickled jalapenos

1 brick cheddar cheese


And then the tricky part…

1 Asian chic (Pacific Rim)

1 African American or African African

3 Nordic/Germanic blondes

2 Greco/Romans with the sun kissed brunette hair

1 British ginger

2 North American brunettes

1 Middle Easterner


It was a hell of a shopping list but I managed to gather all of my supplies and mentally prepared myself to survive the end of days and also to repopulate the earth with my God approved man jam.

The rains came hard and did not relent. Thankfully, my French Country style home sits in the high spot of the ‘hood and me, the schnauzer and my breeding stock were not washed away in the flood.

There were some hardships. For instance a 10 foot bull gator took up residence in my garage. Unfortunately, I did realize he was lurking next to the kegerator until attacked and ate one of the Nordic/Germanic blondes.

We buried what was left of Inga and told the gator to “get on back to the bayou” and, well, cuz I am God’s choosen one, he left.

We fired up the smoker, gave thanks, drank way too much and I was fixing to start breeding when the ginger, Molly, noticed the water had receded.

Praise be.

I mean, I love sex, but repopulating by copulating with a belly full of beer and barbecue was not going to be pretty.

Hey! But thanks for checking on me.

I know you were too worried to ask how I was until a week after the big flood.

About Suburban War Lord

Suburban War Lord

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