Look, if you know anything about me it should be this: my Comanche Indian name is Horse Cock.

I’m probably the only non-native american in the Comanche tribe but they saw how generally bad ass all of my “being a bad ass” skills were and begged me to join.

After a rotten mix of fermented buffalo chips and peyote they declared me a suburban warlord shaman and, when the visions come, it’s powerful magic.

My latest shaman trance came to me as I was passed out on the couch last night, riding a brown bear with war paint through the shadow lands.

What did the spirits reveal to me?

A whole shit ton of Star Wars spoilers.

1) the new rebel base is actually a run down Sheritan Hotel. Picture “Echo Base” except it’s somewhere along the Gulf of Mexico between Port Arthur, Texas and the Florida Pan Handle.

2) Chewbacca isn’t in the new movie. There’s some wookie named Jasper instead who around 5 feet 6 inches tall and is crazy skinny. Think… Crack head covered with yack hair. While he’s sort of a ‘tard, Jasper can break dance like a mother fucker. I think he will have wide cross over appeal. Also, he makes cat noises instead of the usual oversized wookie howls and growls.

3) Does Princess Leia have the force? You betchum. In one scene, to demonstrate her power, she shakes her vag during a heated argument. The hip thrusts make the water jump out of some rebel leader’s coffee cup. The scene is pretty powerful. It’s much better than the original Darth Vader force choke on the Death Star. Carrie Fisher manages to make it both empowering and sort of erotic. It’s a game changer. Expect all the office girls to mimic the scene.

4) The Millennium Falcon is in the movie.

5) One of the Storm Troopers is a soul brother from Detroit.

6) Not to totally ruin the movie but there are lasers beam guns and laser beam swords.

7) Notable cameos:

Derek Jeter (pizza delivery boy)
Yngwie Malsteem (cantina bar musician)
Sara Palin (X Wing mechanic)
@GreenAyedWun (as Green Eyed Colleen)
John Lovitz (yoda’s grandson)