Category Archives: Booze and Such

Three Terrifying Truths From My Youth

Happy World AIDS Day, I guess.

How do you celebrate World AIDS Day?

Party cause you don’t have AIDS?

Party cause you DO have AIDS?

And where is the special day for people with HIV but not AIDS?

As a child of the 80’s there were 3 things I knew for certain would happen.

1) At some point, some stranger would grab me and force me to take drugs. A cop once came to Nottingham Elementary and told us that the hippie people put PCP in the salt shakers at McDonald’s just to see kids freak out. What? Holy crap!

2) Red Dawn was going to happen before I hit puberty and it was up to me and my band of guerilla warriors to hunker down along the banks of the Buffalo Bayou and fight off the commies.

The third certainty?

No matter what, we would all die of AIDS.

You could try abstinance but that wasn’t even a guarantee. You knew someone was smearing AIDS on the sporks at Kentucky Fried Chicken and the elevator buttons at the Town and Country Mall.

You would never know because…

The liberal amounts of PCP masked the bitter taste of the AIDS juice and then…

With our minds polluted by hippie drugs…

With our bodies weakened by all the AIDS we’d catching…

Russia would invade us.

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Adrift In A Sea Of Nerds

I’ll be honest with you, blogs are totally lame.

For starters, most of the people in the blogosphere (that’s what the kids call it) are lame. Garbage in, garbage out.

I don’t even read blogs. I could follow a good porn star blog, but they all seem to prefer a more “picture oriented” medium compared to the “writing” type of affair.

The non-blogger probably doesn’t know this, but places like Word Press actually feed blog topics to the writers.

That’s right. Once you’ve run out of political rants, conspiracy theories, something your kids/parents did and a whole lot of pointless navel gazing you can pick up a suggested idea from your friendly blog provider.

What did they send me today?

“Would you climb a mountain or run a marathon?”

Uh, hell no.

First off, this body runs on a steady diet of bourbon and cigarettes. That’s not the breakfast, lunch or dinner of the physically active.

There’s a marathon in Colorado where they actually run up Pike’s Peak. Yes, a mountain climbing marathon. I once tried to drive to the top of Pike’s Peak but I got bored and turned around before I reached the top.

I attempted a marathon once on New Year’s Day. It was a 24-hour Seinfeld marathon on TNT. I was wiped out by the 4th hour and couldn’t finish it.

“What holiday tradition does your family celebrate?”

Shame and blame.

“How do you save money?”

I harvest the neighborhood squirrels.

“If you were a flower, what would it be?”

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. Who the fuck would take that idea and run with it?

Thanks Word Press.

It’s good to know that if the well of creativity ever runs dry you’ll be there with a cement truck.

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