3) convinced George Lucas to go with Jar Jar Binks because his original idea involved something much worse

4) told Tom Cruise to jump on Oprah’s couch because “so damn funny” and stuff

5) convinced Shaq to try out for basketball and ditch the ballet thing

6) told Cindy Crawford to keep the mole

7) explained why capitalism and not socialism is the “hip thing” to a young Ronald Reagan in Dixon, Illinois

8) came up with that “pull my finger” joke

9) took the air out of a few footballs before the Pats/Seahawks Super Bowl game

10) bumped into Michael Jackson and called him “big nose”

I’m always right unless the she says otherwise and then I’m horribly wrong and I’m heading to a buddy’s house

All beer is served cold

It’s rude not to finish an open bottle of wine

All meals feature a dead animal unless the meal is “chips, salsa and beer”

Boys pee behind the garage and girls can too but only if they are super bad ass

Manic episodes are encouraged while pouting is frowned upon

If you vote for a Democrat you will do the right thing and lie about who you voted for

We love Jesus and Jesus knows we are a disruption at church and so he prefers us at the tennis courts on Sunday mornings

Children belong outside or locked in the attic

All dogs are good dogs except the neighbor’s dog who never shuts the fuck up

All cats are whores but we like them too

Oil = good

Hippies = real bad

Throwing away all garbage into a landfill is also a form of recycling. So is burning it.

All food is organic. Some of it was just made better thanks to science.