Cook These Beer Nuts

My nuts are amazing.
My nuts taste so good.
I know you want to put my nuts in my mouth.
Sure, making your own beer nuts gives you the best excuse ever to make sophomoric jokes.
But there is a much better reason:
These nuts are salty, sweet and pack a pinch of heat. This is important because hot foods make people drink more and more beer. 
That’s right, these beer nuts are designed to get your lady tipsy so you can bang her and your man wasted so he passes out and you can be left alone.
Also, despite what you might think, I am interested in helping you look classy, so go ahead and splurge on cashews and almonds instead of white trash peanuts.

The Beer Nuts
First off, go ahead and preheat your oven to 350 degrees. I’m thinking this is celcius but I don’t really know.

 You need to get together:

4 cups of nuts (try to get unsalted)

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon cumin 

1 teaspoon chile powder

1 teaspoonpaprika

1 teaspoon cayenne

½ cup sugar

1 tablespoon butter

¼ cup water

Melt and cook the sugar and butter and water and spices to make your coating. This should just require a few 20 second blasts in your microwave. I hope to God you picked a large microwave safe bowl for this.

 Stir that shit around and then toss your nuts into it and stir it some more.

Get out a baking sheet and line it with aluminum foil so you don’t totally fuck up your pan.

Spread the nuts out in a single layer. Now bake that shit for 10 to 12 minutes.

While it’s baking, wash and dry your damn bowl because you will need it.

When the time is right, take your nuts out of the oven and CAREFULLY get them off of the aluminum and back in your clean bowl. Seriously, be fucking careful because that shit you just baked will burn your fucking arm off.

Stir you nuts around.

Wait 2 minutes.

Stir them again.

Wait 2 minutes.

Stir them again.

Get the point? You don’t want them sticking together while they cool off. If they do…

Well, you are a dumbass and will have to break them apart with hands.

That’s right, either stir or be prepared to get my nuts all over your hands.

Now you are done. Go forth and impress some people.


Cook This Jambalaya

For all of you poor, sad souls who have never lived in Louisiana or south eastern Texas…

You’ve been stuck your whole life eating shitty, boring food like chicken salad sandwiches and lifeless casseroles.

I’m here to help cuz I love you.

Today you are going to improve yer life by learning to make Jambalaya. It’s basically cajun food for the culinary challenged. You are going to make this and impress you bland friends.

This shit can be either a side or a main course so plan accordingly.



1/3 cup chopped yellow onion
1/3 cup diced green pepper
1/3 cup chopped celery

One 14.5 oz can diced tomatoes
2/3 cup long grain rice

1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
3 bay leaves

Now get out a big fucking pot. Around 8 quarts will do. Fill it that bad boy 3/4 of the way with water. Dump in that seafood mix shit you bought and bring it all to a boil.

Once it’s boiling, put in yer chicken thighs. Don’t be a pussy. Leave the fucking skin on.

Get that big ass pot boiling again then let it simmer around 30 minutes. After your chicken has simmered, turn off the heat and let it soak for 30 minutes.

Yah, you just spent an hour sort of cooking. If you have friends over, you could entertain yourselves by either drinking or doing sex things to each other.

Take your chicken out of the big ass pot. Save that fucking water. It’s now a broth and yer going to need it.

Take that skin off the chicken, debone and cut into that bird into chunks and set it aside. Throw away the skin and bones.

Slice your sausage into 1/4 inch coins.


Measure out 2 1/2 cups of that spicey chicken water broth stuff and save it on the counter. If you didn’t save that broth then get out some canned broth and work on your reading comprehension skills. Pour out the rest of the broth in the sink or save it or use it as body spray or something.
Put that big ass pot back on the stove. Throw in the sausage and diced vegetables (not the fucking tomatoes). Stir that shit around on medium high heat until the vegetables look done.

Pour in the whole can of tomatoes (even the juice), dump in the rice and the broth and anything else except for the chicken.

Stir this shit to mix it up and get it to a boil. Then put the lid on your pot and let it simmer for 20 minutes.


If you take the lid off you will fuck it all up. So don’t do that, okay?

After 20 minutes, open it up and fold in your chicken.

Serve this shit with white bread and cold yellow beer.

This is a good recipe to learn cause you can take it to some asshole food snobs house and make them look like a dick cuz yer side dish will blow their bullshit main course away.

Good luck and guess what?

You are looking at 4 entree servings at 400 calories each, stupid health nut.