Modern Romance and the App that will Kill your Jam

Modern love is a tricky game with the websites and the apps and all the other nonsense…

I’m fairly new at this but let me give you some tips for your online dating profiles.

Pictures:

Unless you actually wrestled a feral hog to the ground (armed only with your bare hands and steely nerves) in order to save a basket full of kittens, do NOT post any dead animal pictures

Keep your shirt on if you are taking a selfie (girls get a pass on this)

No more posing in front of something with angel like wings

No more “me and bros being all bro like at this bro thing cuz we’re bros”

You might as well stop posting pics of yourself hugged up to someone of the opposite gender unless you are a swinger

Pictures of food items are not what we want to see in order to figure out who you are

Wear what you wear. Stop with the random formal photos and please, don’t pose in front of a car on purpose unless it’s actually your car and you are trying to tell us you are Smokey the Bandit. THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO THE OSCAR MEYER WEINER MOBILE NOR THE BAT MOBILE FROM THE 60’s.

No more than 1 nature setting and no more than 1 sports setting

No memes. Seriously. NO MEMES.

Bio:

Write something, anything about YOU

It’s okay to be funny and you should always be honest but maybe you aren’t “honestly funny” and are coming off as bizarre.

This isn’t a job resume. You are NOT selling yourself in a desperate attempt to land someone. Just be you. Relax. Say who you are. Say what you like. This is important.

Don’t say you “love to travel.” No one actually loves to travel. To travel these days is a serious pain that involves getting treated like a criminal at the airport and live stock in the airplane. What you really enjoy is being in another location and not at work. Also, if you say you “love to travel” then we expect you to be willing to drive from Pasadena to The Woodlands in order to meet up.

Got kids? That’s cool. But are you really “The world’s greatest single mother/single father” ???

Ladies, height issues are okay to have but maybe you should tone it down a bit. You are 5′ 2” tall and crave a guy who is at least 6′ 5″ tall but no bigger than 6’ 7”? Okay. That’s your thing. But how would you feel if every other guy you looked at demanded a certain breast size or else? Heck, might as well say “nipples no larger nor smaller than a quarter” or something.

It’s your dog. It’s not your child. Trust me. I have both and there is a clear difference.

Unless you are a child, type real words and save the string of emojis for a text.

Guys, if you are looking to hook up, just say it. Do not fake wanting to find “the one” just to get laid. All you will do is screw things up for the rest of us.

Might as well fess up to any mental issues. You might find someone you can share meds with.

It’s NOT a hobby if you did it 10 years ago.

Bumble girls… All conversations can begin with simply saying “Hello” or “Hey” or “Howdy” JUST DO IT and sees what happens.

Bonus:

No one really looks like their picture when you meet them. This can be either good or bad.

14 Songs and Love

I forget where, when or from whom I heard this but I clearly remember the actual words:

“Love is just brushing your teeth together.”

And when you are young and dumb and full of so many misconceptions about the world, those words are confusing.

You think stupid thoughts when you’re young.

You think “love” is built around a gorgeous look or a wild breathless excitement or this impossible Walt Disney inspired fairy tale.

And if you stay stupid, lists get made about what “true love” will be…

The right income.

The right car.

The right breast size.

The right height.

The right voting record.

But love is not like that at all.

Life is just more complicated than the young and foolish ever realize.

Houses flood.

People test positive.

Careers stall.

Interests change.

Opinions shift.

But love?

That shit is golden.

It sits by the side of the hospital bed with you. It pulls the disgusting wads of refuse from your flooded house. It encourages you when you are in doubt. It calms you when you are anxious. It knows when to say “yes” and it can accept hearing “no” as well.

And, yes, true love is standing there next to you in front of the bathroom mirror and happily brushing it’s teeth with you because you are there and that is all that really matters.

So when does “love” come around?

Shit, you never know. Miracles like love occur in the strangest of places and at bizarre moments in time.

When it arrives, you’ll know it.

It’s that same great jazz riff that Joshua played to knock down the walls of Jericho.

But while you wait for the music to play…

Rock out to these sweet tunes.

Mix Tape Central:

Dreams Never End – New Order

Favorite Thing – The Replacements

You Only Live Once – The Strokes

Don’t Change – INXS

She Said, She Said — The Beatles

Dirty Water – The Standells

Close to Me – The Cure

Aberdeen – Cage the Elephant

King of the Rodeo – Kings of Leon

Lucky Man – Verve

The Last Time – The Rolling Stones

Girlfriend – Matthew Sweet

Hard to Live in the City – Albert Hammond Jr

There is a Light that Never Go Out – The Smiths