Cook this Fried Chicken

I’ve had a dream ever since I was a little boy.

No, this isn’t the one where Wonder Woman and Cat Woman fight over me until I convince to share…

This dream, however, is just as awesome.

See, I’ve always wanted to make fried chicken. It ain’t easy to figure it out. But I learned the mysteries of the southern soul harmony and will teach you how to hum along.

Why is great homemade fried chicken so damn tricky to do?

For starters, every asshole I’ve ever talked with about my home made fried chicken dream gives you some bullshit like “my grandma does it the best” but they can’t tell you how grandma did it.

I know why, too. It’s probably because their grandma just brought the fried yard bird home from the Colonel or something.

And speaking of the Colonel…

His chicken sucks. The only thing he has going for him is the original recipe thighs. These are the world’s greatest hang over helpers and in just a few bites you can start boozing your life away by 10 am again.

The best chicken to buy at a store is Popeye’s and this is because each piece is marinated in Cajun stuff mixed with some high quality, pharmaceutical grade crack cocaine. Never heard of pharmaceutical grade crack cocaine? Well… you’ve obviously never met my friend Ray Ray down in the Iberville public housing development just on the edge of the French Quarter.

Iberville, home of Ray Ray

But I digress…

Just like Sir Galahad was the only member of King Arthur’s knights that was pure and noble enough to find The Holy Grail, I am the only mother fucker pure and noble enough to teach your ass how to fry a chicken to perfection.

You got this…


A whole fucking bag of all purpose flour (none of that organic bullshit)

One or two chickens cut up and trimmed of the excess skin

The big ass tub of Crisco

6 eggs


1 part flaky salt

1 part chili powder

1 part garlic powder

1 part onion powder

1/2 part cayenne pepper

1/2 part lemon pepper

1/2 part black pepper

1/2 thyme


First off, get your chicken laid out on a baking sheet. Now, make sure you spit on each piece.


Don’t spit on the chicken, fucktard. Now rinse that stuff off and start over.

Using about a fourth of your seasonings, get your raw chicken well dusted and let it sit.

The biggest key to this recipe is to get your big ass pot (see other recipes), put at least half the tub of Crisco in it and heat that fat to medium high heat. Don’t use a skillet. The skillet looks cool but it’s going to spray fat all over the place. Give it awhile. If you dribble water in and it sizzles you are set. You going to want around 3 to 4 inches of hot fat in there.

Crack those eggs and beat them in a large bowl with the rest of the seasonings. You might need to add more spices. The egg/spice should have a reddish/muddy hue.

Put a few cups of flour in a large shallow bowl or on a plate.

The steps here are:

  1. Dry (chicken in the flour)
  2. Wet (chicken in the egg stuff)
  3. Dry (chicken back in the flour)

Again, let the chicken sit. You are going to go through the whole bag of flour and your hands will be a gunky mess.

When it’s ready to fry, you are going to look at your chicken and think to yourself:

“Where the fuck did the flour go?!?”

Don’t worry your pretty little head. The flour is still there, it’s just mixed with the egg and when you fry the bird parts, the whole thing will “poof” up like some kind of black voodoo magic.

Add the pieces together and in the great southern traditional ways… It’s best if you segregate them. Breasts with breast. Thighs with thighs. Legs with legs. Wings with wings. You are doing this because the thickness of the meat and the bone make each piece fry at a different rate.

Don’t crowd the pot of hot fat. If you crowd the pot the chicken will stick together and be all fucked up.

Timing wise?

Wings — 5 minutes, flip, 5 minutes

Legs — 7 minutes, flip, 7 minutes

Breasts — 8 minutes, flip, 8 minutes

Thighs — 9 minutes, flip, 9 minutes

Put each batch on a clean baking sheet (preferable with a drip grate) and hold them in a warm oven until you are all done. 


This is going to take a couple of hours which means you have plenty of time to clean up the mess you made BEFORE eating and also drink a few cold beers and think about how badly you need to go on a diet.

I strongly suggest serving this with a nice salad.





Cook These Beer Nuts

My nuts are amazing.
My nuts taste so good.
I know you want to put my nuts in my mouth.
Sure, making your own beer nuts gives you the best excuse ever to make sophomoric jokes.
But there is a much better reason:
These nuts are salty, sweet and pack a pinch of heat. This is important because hot foods make people drink more and more beer. 
That’s right, these beer nuts are designed to get your lady tipsy so you can bang her and your man wasted so he passes out and you can be left alone.
Also, despite what you might think, I am interested in helping you look classy, so go ahead and splurge on cashews and almonds instead of white trash peanuts.

The Beer Nuts
First off, go ahead and preheat your oven to 350 degrees. I’m thinking this is celcius but I don’t really know.

 You need to get together:

4 cups of nuts (try to get unsalted)

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon cumin 

1 teaspoon chile powder

1 teaspoonpaprika

1 teaspoon cayenne

½ cup sugar

1 tablespoon butter

¼ cup water

Melt and cook the sugar and butter and water and spices to make your coating. This should just require a few 20 second blasts in your microwave. I hope to God you picked a large microwave safe bowl for this.

 Stir that shit around and then toss your nuts into it and stir it some more.

Get out a baking sheet and line it with aluminum foil so you don’t totally fuck up your pan.

Spread the nuts out in a single layer. Now bake that shit for 10 to 12 minutes.

While it’s baking, wash and dry your damn bowl because you will need it.

When the time is right, take your nuts out of the oven and CAREFULLY get them off of the aluminum and back in your clean bowl. Seriously, be fucking careful because that shit you just baked will burn your fucking arm off.

Stir you nuts around.

Wait 2 minutes.

Stir them again.

Wait 2 minutes.

Stir them again.

Get the point? You don’t want them sticking together while they cool off. If they do…

Well, you are a dumbass and will have to break them apart with hands.

That’s right, either stir or be prepared to get my nuts all over your hands.

Now you are done. Go forth and impress some people.