Suburban Law

We all need boundaries so get with the program…
The only time someone other than me is allowed to touch the radio is to “Turn it up, man”

I’m always right unless the she says otherwise and then I’m horribly wrong and I’m heading to a buddy’s house

All beer is served cold

It’s rude not to finish an open bottle of wine

All meals feature a dead animal unless the meal is “chips, salsa and beer”

Boys pee behind the garage and girls can too but only if they are super bad ass

Manic episodes are encouraged while pouting is frowned upon

If you vote for a Democrat you will do the right thing and lie about who you voted for

We love Jesus and Jesus knows we are a disruption at church and so he prefers us at the tennis courts on Sunday mornings

Children belong outside or locked in the attic

All dogs are good dogs except the neighbor’s dog who never shuts the fuck up

All cats are whores but we like them too

Oil = good

Hippies = real bad

Throwing away all garbage into a landfill is also a form of recycling. So is burning it.

All food is organic. Some of it was just made better thanks to science.

Calling All Radio Shows

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NPR Host: We are here talking about the ethics surrounding a new “3 parent” technique for in-vitro fertilization and mitochondrial DNA replacement and what this mean for parents and children. 
We go to our caller, Dave, in Houston.

Me: Hey… First time caller, long time listener.

Dr Wan: Hello, do you have a question?

Me: Yes, can this technique also be used to insert certain diseases?

Dr Wan: Yes but…

Host: Why would any one want to insert a deadly disease on the micro level into a viable embryo?

Me: Well… Let’s say you have two kids already and you already know how how a third or fourth kids is going to turn out. At a certain age they stop being “fun” and they stop being “cute” and they just get all surly and you really start to question whether another 3 years of junior high, 4 years of high school and God knows how many years in college are worth it. Like, these kids I have now are freaking expensive and they are really obnoxious and everyone knows they are totally undisciplined and completely unfit for military service and the social pressure on me to put them through college is huge.

Host: You want a third kid but you want it to die before it stops being cute?

Me: Or maybe a third kid with 4 arms so it has a clear sports advantage.

Dr Wan: This is disgusting…

Me: I thought at first the “3 parent” technique was some swinging alternative life style thing…

Host: Hang up. Now.

Me: NO GINGERS!!!