Dear Abby: I have been married for 10 years. Early in our marriage my husband talked about wanting to try swinging. We did and had many enjoyable experiences.

Two years ago he decided he no longer wanted to be in the lifestyle, so we stopped. The problem is, I miss it very much. I want to get back into it and have talked with him about it, but he insists we stay out of it. I am torn between going to parties behind his back, suffering my displeasure in silence because I’m not able to do something I really enjoyed, or divorcing. Can you help me figure this out?

Foxy in Phoenix

 

Lazlo says:

My advice it to just cheat. It’s way hotter.

Also, have you stopped to think that maybe your husband wants to swing too but, that, well, he’s been asked to stop going and is only protecting you from the awful truth that… you are not welcome.

You need to consider this. Maybe your BJ skills suck. Maybe you’re fairly selfish in bed. Maybe you’ve got an odor. Most guys are dying to swing so I’m pretty sure you guys aren’t going anymore because you’ve been uninvited.

That’s a true man, one who shields his swinging wife from that fact that she’s a lame fuck.

Dear Abby: I have been married for 35 years. We have one daughter. My husband has this “thing” about grabbing other women’s behinds. He hugs them and then goes in for a grab. It bothers me so much. It hurts my feelings and I have told him so, but he still does it.

Men have told me they don’t want him touching their wives this way. Others have said it’s disrespectful to me. He says he will try to stop doing it. Try? That doesn’t set well with me.

What do you think about this? Am I overreacting? After all these years, I just don’t know what to think.

Hands Off in Rochester, N.Y.

 

Lazlo says:

I think your husband should call Foxy in Phoenix.

I’m also thinking… you’ve been married 35 years. Let’s say you got married at 25-years-old. This makes your husband 60-years-old. At that age a LOT of shit starts to happen.

For instance, maybe he’s got balance issues and is grabbing those sweet hineys to keep himself from falling over and breaking a hip. Maybe he’s making sure he can still get an erection on contact. These are questions you should ask him.

It doesn’t really matter, once he is 65-years-old he can perv out on any one and people will just think it’s cute. Frankly, the “perv pass” at 65-years-old is the only thing that keeps me alive these days.