Listen…

I do a lot for other people that you just don’t know about.

In fact, last weekend I took part in an intervention for my friend “Betsy” who has gone down a dark, dark path.

Betsy used to be a fun, interesting person with a bright future.

But now? That’s all gone. Poor Betsy has gone and become…  CELIBATE!!!

HOW TO WRITE AN INTERVENTION LETTER

Interventions can be emotionally demanding, so now is the time to get tough and let your inner asshole shine.

What is said, or not said, during an intervention can be pivotal to
its success. The key is to be extremely brutal. For that reason, I am asking you to put your thoughts on paper to be read during the intervention.

The following is a suggested format for you to follow when writing your letter. This letter will lay out the facts surrounding your experience of your loved one’s fucktarded issues and the consequences you have experienced because of their fucked up self. Keep in mind YOU NEED TO shame or humiliate your loved one. Use the following format, please construct your letter so that it could be read in 2-3 minutes.

Paragraph One: Explain to your jackass of choice the extent of your love for them (limited, right?) and why you have chosen to be a part of this meeting (so you can feel better about yourself).
Make them think that this meeting has been convened because of love. Identify some qualities that you have particularly admired about them over the years. You may also choose to highlight an experience from your life when you felt particularly close to them. This is to ensure that they can be receptive to the remainder of your letter.

Dear Betsy,
We all know why we’re here. No, we ain’t going to Disney World (pause for laughter).

I miss the Betsy I used to know. You were such a freak. Remember that time you strapped my belt around my neck and choked me till I passed out while you gagged yourself stupid on my man meat?

I’m sure we both lost brain cells that afternoon…

The Betsy I know and care about hung around after baseball practice and showed us how she could insert a baseball bat in her ass while the team coated her face with jizz.

But that Betsy is gone now. You’re just not the same girl who once blew the entire security staff at The Toyota Center to get us into the Van Halen concert.

Paragraph Two: Begin this paragraph with the statement: “Your fucked up changes have affected me in the following ways.” Explain to them the details of what you have experienced as a direct or indirect result of their addiction. You can identify specific experiences that made you feel afraid or unsafe because of their addiction. Some examples of this may be the impact that it has had on you emotionally, physically and/or financially. Remember to use your anger to shame or “guilt trip” them into changing.

You fucked up changes have affected me in the following ways:

1) Last month I was counting on you to have sex with that business group from China so I could get this real estate deal closed. Instead you were all “I don’t do that anymore” and “If you loved me you wouldn’t ask me to be such a whore”

2) Back in June I was drunk as hell and driving you back from “therapy” and that cop pulled me over and now I’ve got a DUI and it’s all your fault for not letting him film you while you fingered your ass.

3) I can’t even count the number of times I’ve called you and asked you for sex and it was always “My husband is here” or “I’m at my father’s funeral” or “I don’t have sex in Valero gasoline station bathrooms anymore”.

Paragraph Three: Ask your loser friend to accept your offer to receive help. This is not a negotiation, this is an offer. They need to understand this clearly. They need to understand that there are real consequences that will be attached to this decision, both positive and negative. If they choose to accept the help being offered, the benefits can include continuing the loving relationship you hope to have with them and/or the promise of further support in rebuilding their life after treatment. The negative consequences can include the termination of your relationship and/or removal of any financial or emotional support. Basically, you will be eliminating any behavior or contribution on your part that enables them to continue their asshole ways. DO NOT COMMIT TO ANYTHING ON PAPER THAT YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON. If you fail to hold up the boundaries you write in your letter it could damage the credibility of the entire group.

Betsy, if you don’t cut out this celibacy bullshit right now I am going to have your car repossessed and I will no longer let you be my friend nor my secretary. I will also make up a bunch of shit so that CPS takes your kids away. GO BACK TO BEING A SLUT!!!!