Category Archives: I’m on a Rant

I Write An Intervention Letter

Listen…

I do a lot for other people that you just don’t know about.

In fact, last weekend I took part in an intervention for my friend “Betsy” who has gone down a dark, dark path.

Betsy used to be a fun, interesting person with a bright future.

But now? That’s all gone. Poor Betsy has gone and become…  CELIBATE!!!

HOW TO WRITE AN INTERVENTION LETTER

Interventions can be emotionally demanding, so now is the time to get tough and let your inner asshole shine.

What is said, or not said, during an intervention can be pivotal to
its success. The key is to be extremely brutal. For that reason, I am asking you to put your thoughts on paper to be read during the intervention.

The following is a suggested format for you to follow when writing your letter. This letter will lay out the facts surrounding your experience of your loved one’s fucktarded issues and the consequences you have experienced because of their fucked up self. Keep in mind YOU NEED TO shame or humiliate your loved one. Use the following format, please construct your letter so that it could be read in 2-3 minutes.

Paragraph One: Explain to your jackass of choice the extent of your love for them (limited, right?) and why you have chosen to be a part of this meeting (so you can feel better about yourself).
Make them think that this meeting has been convened because of love. Identify some qualities that you have particularly admired about them over the years. You may also choose to highlight an experience from your life when you felt particularly close to them. This is to ensure that they can be receptive to the remainder of your letter.

Dear Betsy,
We all know why we’re here. No, we ain’t going to Disney World (pause for laughter).

I miss the Betsy I used to know. You were such a freak. Remember that time you strapped my belt around my neck and choked me till I passed out while you gagged yourself stupid on my man meat?

I’m sure we both lost brain cells that afternoon…

The Betsy I know and care about hung around after baseball practice and showed us how she could insert a baseball bat in her ass while the team coated her face with jizz.

But that Betsy is gone now. You’re just not the same girl who once blew the entire security staff at The Toyota Center to get us into the Van Halen concert.

Paragraph Two: Begin this paragraph with the statement: “Your fucked up changes have affected me in the following ways.” Explain to them the details of what you have experienced as a direct or indirect result of their addiction. You can identify specific experiences that made you feel afraid or unsafe because of their addiction. Some examples of this may be the impact that it has had on you emotionally, physically and/or financially. Remember to use your anger to shame or “guilt trip” them into changing.

You fucked up changes have affected me in the following ways:

1) Last month I was counting on you to have sex with that business group from China so I could get this real estate deal closed. Instead you were all “I don’t do that anymore” and “If you loved me you wouldn’t ask me to be such a whore”

2) Back in June I was drunk as hell and driving you back from “therapy” and that cop pulled me over and now I’ve got a DUI and it’s all your fault for not letting him film you while you fingered your ass.

3) I can’t even count the number of times I’ve called you and asked you for sex and it was always “My husband is here” or “I’m at my father’s funeral” or “I don’t have sex in Valero gasoline station bathrooms anymore”.

Paragraph Three: Ask your loser friend to accept your offer to receive help. This is not a negotiation, this is an offer. They need to understand this clearly. They need to understand that there are real consequences that will be attached to this decision, both positive and negative. If they choose to accept the help being offered, the benefits can include continuing the loving relationship you hope to have with them and/or the promise of further support in rebuilding their life after treatment. The negative consequences can include the termination of your relationship and/or removal of any financial or emotional support. Basically, you will be eliminating any behavior or contribution on your part that enables them to continue their asshole ways. DO NOT COMMIT TO ANYTHING ON PAPER THAT YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON. If you fail to hold up the boundaries you write in your letter it could damage the credibility of the entire group.

Betsy, if you don’t cut out this celibacy bullshit right now I am going to have your car repossessed and I will no longer let you be my friend nor my secretary. I will also make up a bunch of shit so that CPS takes your kids away. GO BACK TO BEING A SLUT!!!!

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How to Survive an Office Shooting

They all died


So I’m giving my annual fire safety lecture to the office. You know, because this place tends to hire people who can’t read an “Exit” sign and/or are confused by fire.

We get to the Q&A section and some smart ass asks…

“What if we have an office shooter?”

I’m not prepared for this but I do think pretty quickly on my feet, especially when I’m drunk at work and it’s 9 am.

“Well, you either hide under your desk like a calf waiting for the slaughter, flee screaming like a woman or fight back like the warrior God intended you to be.

This is Texas. We fight back with everything we have.

When some dude in a trench coat with a sawed-off pump action 12-gauge saunters into the office you need to look deep down inside, find that pussy part the public schools gave you, throw it on the ground and beg God for forgiveness for the hell you are about to unleash.

And when you come at that Terminator impersonator, you bring all the thunder and lightning that you can carry. Big time, brother.

Snap that Slim Jim and crack those eggs cause you’re gonna make the world’s biggest vigilante omelet, super-sized hero-style. Hercules himself will tell you “Good Job” while he hands you a cup of sweet honey wine brewed by a Commanche warrior princess.”

I got a lot of confused looks which tells me they were done answering questions so I threw them the double peace signs and shouted “Deuces” while I backed out of the conference room.

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Maybe you guys didn’t all memorize the Anarchist Cookbook before the 5th grade. Maybe you were busy playing video games instead of learning how to kill a street gang with nothing but a newspaper, a 5 lb of kitty litter and tennis ball.

Fuck, people! Get yourselves ready cuz here comes some shit that will save your life one day…

 

Preparing for the Office Six-Gun Psycho

We all got one in the office. We all know it’s just a matter of time before they flip out like Mary Lou Rhetton pulling off a coked up floor routine. You gotta solve a problem by preparing for the problem.

1) Don’t try to hide behind a fat person. This never works. The bullets zip right through that blubber and will put holes in you too. The worst part? Your holes will also be filled with the fatty’s blood and chunky cells. If you live, the fat cells will live with you. Soon, you will become fat and no one will have sex with you. DO NOT HIDE BEHIND THE TUBBY CO-WORKERS!!!

2) It’s a good idea to keep a roll of duct tape on your desk and a large collection of pens. You use the duct tape to secure the pens to your knuckles and no time you got the Wolverine thing going and are ready to whip mucho ass. DO NOT USE PENCILS CAUSE THEN THE EFFECT IS TOTALLY GAY AND USELESS!!!

3) Coffee cups are great projectiles, especially if they are full of acid. A jug of acid under your desk might sound excessive but you want to live, right?

4) The 1980’s are gone but Aqua Net lives on. Get a good Bic lighter. Get a can of pink Aqua Net. Now you have a badass flame thrower in your hands.

5) I don’t have children or loved ones or really anything going on for me in anyway that involves other people but I keep at least six picture frame on my desk. Why? You ever been hit Ninja-style with a flying picture frame? Right, you haven’t because if you had been hit and the thrower snapped his wrist with authority (like he should) you would be dead and dead people can’t read awesome blogs like this one. Dead people are dead. Dead people don’t read.

6) Bloody tampons are to office shooting psychos like garlic is to vampires. I have a whole wreath of bloody Tampax in my drawer ready for action. Hang the wreath around your neck and watch that office shooter hide in horror. Girls, making a wreath of your own used tamps might take a few months, depending on your flow. Guys? Your best bet is to rummage through the trash in the ladies’ restroom, that’s what I did.

7) Computer cables are an overlooked weapon in an emergency. Some good power cables make an excellent whip to enable you to bring out your inner Indiana Jones. Keep this tip in mind in case you also want to get your freak on with a marketing intern after hours (wink, wink).

All right, now you’ve got knowledge you can use. Be prepared. Chances are, you will NOT get a practice run on this type of thing.

Be safe.

Be strong.

Be crazy as a rat fucking a cat (that’s really extra crazy).

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