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The Foulest of Fowl

Hello,

This a reminder that it is now peacock mating season.

The males are on the prowl and can be very aggressive. A full grown man, weakened by his charity MS150 bicycle ride from Houston to Austin, was recently violated by one of our feathered friends while his beer buddies looked on in horror.

Unfortunately, his attempts to discourage the mating proved unsuccessful. 

Here are some tips:

Do NOT yell, scream or try to make yourself look larger. The bird will view you as a potential rival and go “prison bull” on you. 

Do NOT fight the male peacock. A 50 pound peacock with mating intentions is stronger than a 200lb man. They have razor sharp heel spurs and will “jack you up” beyond belief.

Do NOT curl into the fetal attention and play dead. The peacock will view this as acceptance of his aggressive mating techniques. You will be ravaged in your own front yard.

Do NOT run away. The bird is faster and they can fly. They will think you are playing “hard to get” and this encourages them.

What defenses do work?

STAY INDOORS

Pretend to be a tree

Carry a fire extinguisher

Try to be unattractive

Keep a well trained, yet vicious, dog with you at all times

Good luck and be safe!

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About Suburban War Lord

Suburban War Lord

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