Category Archives: The Lazlo Files

Theo finds God, Jessie finds Extortion

There’s been a lot of shit going on at the house so let me update you quickly…

Jessie, who I’m being paid to usher through college, made it through another semester. I was positive she was going to fail business calculus (I told her not to take it) but she found a way.

Her “way” being blowing her very married professor. I know what you are thinking, “having sex with your college professor is not a good thing to do.”

But she didn’t just suck his dick for a “C” at end of the semester. She filmed herself sucking his dick, dressed as a girl scout, calling him “daddy” and then black mailed him into an “A” in under a week.

I was so proud of her.

Theo is off the whole Native American kick. He’s now trying to start his own religion “Rasta Catholicism.” This means instead of dumbass stoner comments about the Earth Mother and white bisons he’s trying to perform some sort of exorcism on the house cause it’s obviously filled with demons.

I thought it was fad but when he changed his World of Warcraft character from a barbarian to a cleric I knew this latest bit of retardation would be around for awhile.

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New Office, New Rules, Same Me

Byrd Services moved offices and Mr. Byrd has named me Communications Director. This is my maiden memo on keeping the new place clean and nice.

 

Gentle Office Mates:

Please note your new surroundings. We hope that you like them. There are some rules and guidelines we would like you to follow in order to preserve the sanctity of our work space.

1)      Please do not hang any Grave Digger monster truck photos from the walls. This is strictly a Big Foot monster truck office.

2)      We ask that you do not display photos of unattractive spouses, children or significant others unless you are doing so to be ironic. You may display unattractive photos of parents and other ancestors since you had no choice regarding their unfortunate looks.

3)      No religious material or inspirational posters may be displayed unless they center around Mike Ditka.

4)      Do not eat or drink at your desk. Instead, please eat and drink while standing at the kitchen sink or in the bathroom.

5)      The “wellness/resting room” may only be used for solitary or for partner enhanced sexual gratification if you leave the door slightly ajar.

6)      Bolo ties and cheap Indian trinkets are still prohibited from the office along with copper bands enhanced with voodoo magic to improve your psyche.

7)      Do not throw flame engulfed objects at your co-workers.

8)      Mumbily Peg is to be played in conference rooms only.

9)      No folk songs or other caca may be played at any time. Van Halen is encouraged (not Van Hagar).

10)   If it’s brown, flush it down. If it’s yellow, let it mellow.

11)   Please do not greet each other with a perky “Hello” or “Good Morning”. When you leave, you should slouch until you are inside the elevator.

Thank You!

Sincerely,

Lazlo Gusto, Director of Communications

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