Tennis, It Is a Holy Sport

There is only one sport that matters and that sport is God’s sport, tennis.

I hate to into full Kaballah/Da Vinci Code/A Beautiful Mind mode on you, my gentle readers, but the proof that Jesus loves tennis and only tennis is hidden in the numerology of the game.

So with all due respect to John Forbes Nash Jr, let’s get crazy on the numbers and patterns here…

As every good child who ever went through communion will tell you, the magic number in the Bible is “3” and this is because of “the Father, Son and Holy ghost” and also some other stuff.

Maybe you do not believe in Jesus?

That’s cool. The “3” is still important because Abraham is the father of the three major monotheistic: Judaism, Christianity and Islam.

Still don’t believe in the big “3” religion?

All right…

Do you love America? If so, you still know “3” is important because of the three branches of our kickass country’s government.

Not an American and not a son/daughter of Abraham?


Everyone loves ZZ Top and ZZ Top only has three members and that’s surely enough to show you how important “3” is in a “cosmic divinity” sort of a way.

The easy numbers:

The lines are all 3 inches wide.

In a normal “I’m an adult and have self control so no balls fly over the fence” can of tennis balls there are 3 balls.

The net is 3 feet high.

The more complicated numbers:

The service area is 21 feet deep. This is divisible by both “3” and “7” and also tells you God is a “serve and volley” guy and not some degenerate “baseliner”

The doubles court is 36 feet wide. Again, muliply the 12 disciples by our magic “3” and… Yep. You get 36 so it is a team sport for sure.

The total dimensions for a court are 120 x 60 (including the over run) and, again, both numbers are divisible by not only “3” but also our “12” sooo…

Theo finds God, Jessie finds Extortion

There’s been a lot of shit going on at the house so let me update you quickly…

Jessie, who I’m being paid to usher through college, made it through another semester. I was positive she was going to fail business calculus (I told her not to take it) but she found a way.

Her “way” being blowing her very married professor. I know what you are thinking, “having sex with your college professor is not a good thing to do.”

But she didn’t just suck his dick for a “C” at end of the semester. She filmed herself sucking his dick, dressed as a girl scout, calling him “daddy” and then black mailed him into an “A” in under a week.

I was so proud of her.

Theo is off the whole Native American kick. He’s now trying to start his own religion “Rasta Catholicism.” This means instead of dumbass stoner comments about the Earth Mother and white bisons he’s trying to perform some sort of exorcism on the house cause it’s obviously filled with demons.

I thought it was fad but when he changed his World of Warcraft character from a barbarian to a cleric I knew this latest bit of retardation would be around for awhile.