Cook These Beer Nuts

My nuts are amazing.
My nuts taste so good.
I know you want to put my nuts in my mouth.
Sure, making your own beer nuts gives you the best excuse ever to make sophomoric jokes.
But there is a much better reason:
These nuts are salty, sweet and pack a pinch of heat. This is important because hot foods make people drink more and more beer. 
That’s right, these beer nuts are designed to get your lady tipsy so you can bang her and your man wasted so he passes out and you can be left alone.
Also, despite what you might think, I am interested in helping you look classy, so go ahead and splurge on cashews and almonds instead of white trash peanuts.

The Beer Nuts
First off, go ahead and preheat your oven to 350 degrees. I’m thinking this is celcius but I don’t really know.

 You need to get together:

4 cups of nuts (try to get unsalted)

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon cumin 

1 teaspoon chile powder

1 teaspoonpaprika

1 teaspoon cayenne

½ cup sugar

1 tablespoon butter

¼ cup water

Melt and cook the sugar and butter and water and spices to make your coating. This should just require a few 20 second blasts in your microwave. I hope to God you picked a large microwave safe bowl for this.

 Stir that shit around and then toss your nuts into it and stir it some more.

Get out a baking sheet and line it with aluminum foil so you don’t totally fuck up your pan.

Spread the nuts out in a single layer. Now bake that shit for 10 to 12 minutes.

While it’s baking, wash and dry your damn bowl because you will need it.

When the time is right, take your nuts out of the oven and CAREFULLY get them off of the aluminum and back in your clean bowl. Seriously, be fucking careful because that shit you just baked will burn your fucking arm off.

Stir you nuts around.

Wait 2 minutes.

Stir them again.

Wait 2 minutes.

Stir them again.

Get the point? You don’t want them sticking together while they cool off. If they do…

Well, you are a dumbass and will have to break them apart with hands.

That’s right, either stir or be prepared to get my nuts all over your hands.

Now you are done. Go forth and impress some people.


Jessie volunteers me for more work, bitch

I had to make some radical changes once I moved in with Theo and Jessie.

Theo, still despondent, is basically a shut-in and plays World of Warcraft non-stop.

Jessie is going to class, sleeping with her professor and apparently some other guy with dreadlocks.

Swear to God, dreadlocks freak me out. They are especially bad on skinny white guys. It’s like his head is just coated with ropes of filth.

I eventually told her that dreadlocks couldn’t come over anymore.

Also, I’ve been doing some major yard work, but just in the front. Three different neighbors have personally come over and thanked me for fixing the place up. In fact, I’ve gotten fairly chummy with a few of them.

Last week I’m sitting at home. The door bell rings. Jessie answers the door. I’m not paying attention (big fucking mistake).

The door closes. Jessie then tells me:

“Hey, the guy across the street needs you to watch his kids for a couple of hours tonight. He’s got a business dinner and his wife is out of town. I’d told him you’d be ready at 6.”

“Wait, you did what?”

“You’re baby sitting for real now,” she said, smirking.

“We can’t have kids over here with Smokey the Bear half naked playing on the computer.”

“I know. That’s why you’re going over there.”

Seriously, I hate kids and I don’t even know this guy’s name. I kept notes on my nanny duties:

1) The kids just fought over who gets to give me one of daddy’s beers.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll drink two. You guys can take turns getting me beer.”

Now they are crying cause there was only one left. So off to the convenience store we go. Apparently, when you are 4 and 8 it’s pretty cool to get to ride in the front seat of a car.

2) The kids got hungry so I made them bowls of pretzels with BBQ sauce on top. They have now each had three bowls of what I tell them is “Cowboy Cereal.” I’m trying to finish this sixer of Natty Light tall boys as fast as I can.

3) The 8-year-old girl just told me that a bowl of pretzels coated with Stubbs BBQ sauce ain’t healthy. Says her teacher told her to always eat healthy. She’s got a picture of her teacher on the counter. The beast must weigh 250 pounds. She wants a salad. The boy wants his mom. I want… Taco Bell.

4) This Taco Bell keeps it classy with the cool sounds of Coldplay. I bet Gwyneth gets all hot ‘n bothered knowing her man’s muzac is rocking a Taco Bell

5) Cuz I’m aces at taking care of kids, I tell them we are eating inside the store. That way, when one of them spills their jumbo soda I can pretend not to notice. BOSS

6) Yep, the 4-year-old boy just spilled his entire drink on the floor. Now he keeps telling the elderly cashier to come mop up his Mountain Dew. I’ve also been told several times that mommy “never” lets them have Mountain Dew.

7) The beers are really kicking in now. I think I’m a little more than buzzing. Maybe the kids and I need to leave the car  here and walk home.

8) What the hell? You let yer 4-year-old boy go to the bathroom by himself and he comes out drinking some strange soda he found by the toilet. I’d take it away but that cup is filthy

9) I’m too drunk to walk home with the kids so I’m letting the girl drive. Kid has gotta learn sometime, right?

10) The dad is finally here. The kids are totally wired from all that soda and the boy has lettuce in his hair. I want to go home but Jessie let the damn dreadlocks guy in the house as soon as I left. Now I’m having to talk to the dad. Thank God he’s drunker than me.

Yah, before I left I made him pay for this:


“Woah, they ate all that?”

“No, some of it wound up on the floor.”

I still don’t know any of their names.