The Suburban War Lord Prayer

“After all these years of believing in Jesus, After all these drugs, I thought I was Him.” — The Clash

The problem with religion these days is that all the world’s great minds have been abandoning God ever since Edison invented the light bulb. It’s not hard to see the connection.

In the beginning, there was darkness and shit stayed pretty dark until Edison stuck a filament in a vacuum and applied an electrical current. Voila. Man re-created God’s work.

Pretty soon thinking about the nature of God was left to dolts and simpletons. Seems like the meaner and less imaginative someone became, the more sway they had over the flock.

Regular people just stopped believing. They stopped thinking about God. They stopped trying to be love. The whole idea of thinking about God became embarrassing.

I still believe in God. I am, however, a man without a church. Basically, no one wants me (sniff, sniff).

That’s fine. It’s just me running around like a lone wolf in the wilderness and it’s probably how I was meant to be. (although I’m a total sucker for the communion.

So I believe in an all powerful God. I talk to him all the time. I try not to ask him for much. I tend to assume he’s a little too busy to worry about my petty problems.

I also firmly believe that he’s given us the greatest gift ever — each other. If men and women would just work together to help each other a little more, things would be a lot better here on Earth.

I think Jesus of Nazareth was probably a real person. I doubt he was literally the Son of God. That just doesn’t seem to be God’s way. Knocking up single girls and then leaving them with some other dude is, frankly, tacky. If you combed through the Gospels a few times you will see that Jesus is shockingly vague about whether or not he is the Son of God. He does get really explicit regarding people using the church to create wealth, judging others and generally being assholes.

Did Jesus rise from the dead? I don’t know. Does it even matter? Is Christianity suppose to revolve around Jesus rising from the dead and teaching rabbits how to poop out colored eggs or is Christianity about a guy from a messed up childhood trying to show the world a better way to live? He spent a lot more time talking about how to live than how he was going to die.

But I’m rambling now… This post is suppose to be about prayer.

In general, this is the official Suburban War Lord Prayer:

“Dear God, you are the greatest ever. You made everything. All I have I owe to you. Thank you.

I also want to thank you for my family and my friends.

God, please watch over XXXXX. They are awesome. If anything bad happens to XXXXX I’m going to be really pissed at you. You know they are a good person. This shit they have to deal with isn’t fair.

I would really like it if you could shift a lot of their worries and concerns over to me. I don’t have much going on right now so the extra work would actually be a nice break.

Yes, we both know I totally want to bang them but that doesn’t mean I’ve got bad intentions. Seriously, God, you KNOW I wanted to help them long before I wanted to get it on with them.

Just, throw me a bone here and watch over them extra close.

In fact, here’s the deal. Stop watching over me at all.

Any time you are spending watching over me, watch over XXXXX instead. You gotta watch over their family too. XXXXX has done a great job with them and I’d hate to see someone come along and screw that up.

We gotta a deal or what? If I’m off base here, make the bed float in the air (long frightening pause). Sweet. Thanks God.”

I typically say I’m sorry for all the crappy things I did during the day.

I don’t ever ask for anything for myself. I know I don’t deserve it.

I don’t ever ask for salvation because it’s either going to happen or not. And, again, I don’t deserve it. I’m sure I’ve got friends in Heaven and Hell.

Normally at the end when my mind starts wandering I’ve got to refocus for a grand finale about soldiers or orphans or soldier orphans.

Just for good measure I throw in the Lord’s Prayer cause that basically covers just about everything.

In a pinch, a simple “Thanks” probably covers it. He knows everything any way, right?

I Love You Just the Way You Will Become

Because I’m basically trying to dominate all forms of mass media before I die so I’ve been calling the local radio stations here in Houston for months.

Here is the transcript of my pre-Valentine’s Day phone call:

DJ guy: Okay, let’s go to Lazlo on the West side.

DJ gal: Good morning Lazlo, what’s your Valentine’s Day gift idea?

Lazlo: Hello, am I on?

DJ guy: Yes Lazlo, go ahead. What’s your Valentine’s Day gift idea?

Lazlo: Well, I want to say I have the greatest girlfriend in the world and I’m thinking about asking her to marry me. I’m going all out this year.

DJ gal: Yes! How much are you spending? The last caller only said $50.

DJ guy: Hey, it’s the thought that counts not the amount spent.

DJ gal: You’re right. So what are you doing Lazlo for your lady?

Lazlo: Well, I’m spending a lot more than $50. I am spending at least $1,000 this year.

DJ gal: Oh my God, are you getting engaged? Do it! Do it!

Lazlo: Engaged?  No, not yet.

DJ guy: So what’s the gift?

Lazlo: Well, I’ve got two items and I can’t decide which one she will like better. The Pro-form 990 SE or the Pro-form Power 995. I’ll let you guys decide for me.

DJ gal: Uh, what are those?

DJ guy: Yah, what are those?

Lazlo: The 990 is an elliptical trainer and the 995 is a treadmill.

DJ gal: Wait, you are buying your girl friend exercise equipment?

Lazlo: Um, yah. I love her.

(awkward silence)

DJ guy: Dude, don’t do that.

Lazlo: Why not?

(laughter from both)

Lazlo: Wait a minute. I love her and I want to be with her but I think we would both be a lot happier if she got in shape.

DJ gal: Oh no…

DJ guy: How big is she?

DJ gal: Stop it…

Lazlo: No, it’s cool. She knows she’s fat. I tell her all the time.

DJ gal: No! No! No!

DJ guy: Are we talking shut-in big?

Lazlo: No, she still moves around. But, well, she’s really unhealthy. (I fake choking back tears) I just love her so much. I know she will be happier if she loses all the extra weight.

DJ gal: Oooooo. You’re so sweet.

DJ guy: Yah, you love her for what’s inside and just want to help.

DJ gal: Have you tried taking her to a doctor

Lazlo(still despondent): Yes. It was really bad. We went just after New Year’s Eve. Doctor gave her a full physical and everything.

DJ guy: What did he say?

Lazlo: It’s not good. Her body fat is at 25%.

DJ gal: What?!? (she’s pissed)

DJ guy: Uh, Lazlo, that’s not really overweight.

Lazlo: What do you mean? Yes it is.

DJ gal: No dude, that’s normal.

Lazlo: Normal? No way. That’s not normal. That’s obese. I can’t barely see her rib cage. When we first met, her hip bones jutted out. Now? Her face is all fleshy.

DJ guy: Hey man, as one guy to another, you’re not right. A body fat of 25% is NORMAL

Lazlo: No it’s not. That’s obese.

DJ gal: Yah, what do you want, a tooth pick?

Lazlo: Look, if she gets under 20% body fat and can stay that way for a year I’ll marry her. She knows that. It’s been discussed. If she wants to marry me, she will do what is expected.

DJ gal: Oh my god…

DJ guy: Yah, you are not right. Let me ask you, what sort of shape are you in?

Lazlo: I’m a slim 265.

DJ gal: How tall are you?

Lazlo: I’m 5’8″

(laughter)

DJ guy: Buddy, you are definitely not slim. You are built like a bowling ball.

Lazlo: This isn’t about me. This is about her. She’s lucky she has me. I let her have a career. She gets to take care of my 3 kids. She’s lucky. I have to stay home.

DJ gal: Wait, you don’t work?

Lazlo: No

DJ guy: When was the last time you worked?

Lazlo: It’s been 28 months. The economy is (interupted)

DJ gal: 28 months? 28 months?

Lazlo: Oh, now you sound like her.

DJ guy: Lazlo, you are fat. You bring 3 kids to the relationship. You haven’t worked in over 2 years. When you were working, what did you do?

Lazlo: I was a chef

DJ gal: Where?

Lazlo: I don’t want to say. It’s one of the biggest restuarants in town.

DJ guy: Burger King?

Lazlo: Please, don’t insult me or I will hang up. I called you to ask you if I should go with the elliptical trainer or the treadmill for the woman who is almost the woman of my dreams. If you don’t want to help me decide, that’s fine.

DJ gal: Why don’t you buy it for yourself?

Lazlo: That’s rude. It’s a gift for her.

DJ guy: Seriously, Lazlo. How do you even have $1000 if you haven’t worked in over 2 years?

DJ gal: Yah, how are you going to pay for this?

Lazlo: Credit card. She’s got a couple of different ones