Jessie Hits Me Where It Hurts

What the fuck?

Jessie just sent over another Excel chart and graph. I mean, I’m glad she learned something in that computer class but this is just rude. What the hell are they teaching her over at the University of Houston? She said her professor gave her an “A” on this shit. Hell, she didn’t even give the graph a title. This is “C” material all the way. That includes content AND execution.

I’m a Gulper, Not a Sipper

I just got to my mom’s house and it’s Thanksgiving.

I don’t know anyone here. This should be great. I’m going to be in rare form

I’ve been here 15 minutes and some guy I don’t know is telling me to slow down.

Him: That’s a lot of bourbon

Me: I’m a gulper, not a sipper

Him: Are you driving home?

Me: Might let the dog drive

4 pm

I just carpet bombed my mom’s living room with F-bombs after Dallas didn’t take the kick off out of the endzone. This lady is staring at me.

Me: I got 5 large riding on Dallas to win

I’ve switched to cheering for Miami. People are either too scared or too confused to say anything

4:15 pm

I let the dog in and he jumped all over some lady in a cream pants suit. She is coated with paw prints.

Me: I thought we were in a drought here in Houston

Her: Aren’t you going to clean off his paws?

Me: Looks like he’s clean now

Her: This is dry clean only

Me: Cool, they should be open tomorrow. Shit! Come on Dallas!!!

4:26 pm

I slipped into the back yard and some codger caught me pissing on my mom’s azaleas.

Him: Whoops, sorry

Me: There’s room for two

Him: Uh, no thanks

Me: So… You want to see it again?

Him: What?!?

Me: Come on Miami!!!

4:58 pm

I’ve been telling everyone that I brought the green bean casserole. All I brought was my dog.

Her: You didn’t bring that

Me: Yes I did

Her: No you didn’t. I made that this morning

Me: Prove it

Her: You’re being a real jerk

Me: I’m taking that platter home and you can’t stop me

5:08 pm

People are now doing their best to ignore me. Oh HELL no. I won’t be denied.

Her: This Penn State/Sandusky thing is just awful

Me: I know. Why are people trying to get in the way of love? Is love a crime?

Him: Are you serious?

Me: He loves those children in a way we’ll never know.

Them: You are so sick.

Me: No, I’m a dreamer.

5:16 pm

Giving thanks for the entire Baylor football roster during grace really pissed off the guests. Some guy groaned when I said, “Please keep Baylor’s President Ken Starr safe and continue, as always, to give him your blessed guidance.” I didn’t see who it was since my eyes were closed but I bet he was a dirty liberal. I am listened to my Iphone during the rest of dinner, singing along to the songs. One couple got up and left in middle of “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon”.

5:37 pm

I used my fork to carve my slice of pumpkin pie into a penis. You know where the whip cream went… I was asked to eat my desert in the living room.

6:05 pm

Jack pot! There was a dog fight in the living room. My schaunzer just tore up a dachshund. There is blood all over my mom’s new carpet. The couple left to take their dog to an emergency vet.

Mom: What is wrong with your dog??

Me: Social anxiety?

Her look tells me that she will forever be pro choice.

Me: Hey, don’t be mad at me. It’s not my dog’s blood all over the place.

People are really pissed now.

Me: Next time let him finish. Dead dachshunds don’t bleed as much.

6:10 pm

People are talking about me in the kitchen.

Me: Come on Cowboys! Tellin’ you what, no one can stop Staubach

Him: You mean Romo?

Me: That’s Aikman

6:15 pm

The Cowboys are winning the game, I’m chanting “Marino, Marino, Marino” causing more guests to leave.

6:25 pm

I just spilled half of of mycoffee on the floor, the other half is on my jeans. I’m being asked to leave.

Me: But the game isn’t over

Mom: It is for you

Me: I can’t drive home, I’m wasted

She shuts the front door and locks it. Someone else closes the garage door.

Time to go to the bar and watch the last ever UT/A&M game.