I Love You Just the Way You Will Become

Because I’m basically trying to dominate all forms of mass media before I die so I’ve been calling the local radio stations here in Houston for months.

Here is the transcript of my pre-Valentine’s Day phone call:

DJ guy: Okay, let’s go to Lazlo on the West side.

DJ gal: Good morning Lazlo, what’s your Valentine’s Day gift idea?

Lazlo: Hello, am I on?

DJ guy: Yes Lazlo, go ahead. What’s your Valentine’s Day gift idea?

Lazlo: Well, I want to say I have the greatest girlfriend in the world and I’m thinking about asking her to marry me. I’m going all out this year.

DJ gal: Yes! How much are you spending? The last caller only said $50.

DJ guy: Hey, it’s the thought that counts not the amount spent.

DJ gal: You’re right. So what are you doing Lazlo for your lady?

Lazlo: Well, I’m spending a lot more than $50. I am spending at least $1,000 this year.

DJ gal: Oh my God, are you getting engaged? Do it! Do it!

Lazlo: Engaged?  No, not yet.

DJ guy: So what’s the gift?

Lazlo: Well, I’ve got two items and I can’t decide which one she will like better. The Pro-form 990 SE or the Pro-form Power 995. I’ll let you guys decide for me.

DJ gal: Uh, what are those?

DJ guy: Yah, what are those?

Lazlo: The 990 is an elliptical trainer and the 995 is a treadmill.

DJ gal: Wait, you are buying your girl friend exercise equipment?

Lazlo: Um, yah. I love her.

(awkward silence)

DJ guy: Dude, don’t do that.

Lazlo: Why not?

(laughter from both)

Lazlo: Wait a minute. I love her and I want to be with her but I think we would both be a lot happier if she got in shape.

DJ gal: Oh no…

DJ guy: How big is she?

DJ gal: Stop it…

Lazlo: No, it’s cool. She knows she’s fat. I tell her all the time.

DJ gal: No! No! No!

DJ guy: Are we talking shut-in big?

Lazlo: No, she still moves around. But, well, she’s really unhealthy. (I fake choking back tears) I just love her so much. I know she will be happier if she loses all the extra weight.

DJ gal: Oooooo. You’re so sweet.

DJ guy: Yah, you love her for what’s inside and just want to help.

DJ gal: Have you tried taking her to a doctor

Lazlo(still despondent): Yes. It was really bad. We went just after New Year’s Eve. Doctor gave her a full physical and everything.

DJ guy: What did he say?

Lazlo: It’s not good. Her body fat is at 25%.

DJ gal: What?!? (she’s pissed)

DJ guy: Uh, Lazlo, that’s not really overweight.

Lazlo: What do you mean? Yes it is.

DJ gal: No dude, that’s normal.

Lazlo: Normal? No way. That’s not normal. That’s obese. I can’t barely see her rib cage. When we first met, her hip bones jutted out. Now? Her face is all fleshy.

DJ guy: Hey man, as one guy to another, you’re not right. A body fat of 25% is NORMAL

Lazlo: No it’s not. That’s obese.

DJ gal: Yah, what do you want, a tooth pick?

Lazlo: Look, if she gets under 20% body fat and can stay that way for a year I’ll marry her. She knows that. It’s been discussed. If she wants to marry me, she will do what is expected.

DJ gal: Oh my god…

DJ guy: Yah, you are not right. Let me ask you, what sort of shape are you in?

Lazlo: I’m a slim 265.

DJ gal: How tall are you?

Lazlo: I’m 5’8″


DJ guy: Buddy, you are definitely not slim. You are built like a bowling ball.

Lazlo: This isn’t about me. This is about her. She’s lucky she has me. I let her have a career. She gets to take care of my 3 kids. She’s lucky. I have to stay home.

DJ gal: Wait, you don’t work?

Lazlo: No

DJ guy: When was the last time you worked?

Lazlo: It’s been 28 months. The economy is (interupted)

DJ gal: 28 months? 28 months?

Lazlo: Oh, now you sound like her.

DJ guy: Lazlo, you are fat. You bring 3 kids to the relationship. You haven’t worked in over 2 years. When you were working, what did you do?

Lazlo: I was a chef

DJ gal: Where?

Lazlo: I don’t want to say. It’s one of the biggest restuarants in town.

DJ guy: Burger King?

Lazlo: Please, don’t insult me or I will hang up. I called you to ask you if I should go with the elliptical trainer or the treadmill for the woman who is almost the woman of my dreams. If you don’t want to help me decide, that’s fine.

DJ gal: Why don’t you buy it for yourself?

Lazlo: That’s rude. It’s a gift for her.

DJ guy: Seriously, Lazlo. How do you even have $1000 if you haven’t worked in over 2 years?

DJ gal: Yah, how are you going to pay for this?

Lazlo: Credit card. She’s got a couple of different ones




A New Kind of Republican Revolution

I’m embarking on a new crusade and it can only be accomplished with your assistance.

I know, you are all thinking, “Wow, you already brought sexy back. What else can you do?”

I’m re-defining the word “Republican”.

From now on, “republican” will simply mean “hot, sophisticated lady.” Think Krystle Carrington from Dynasty if she is sweet or Alexis Carrington Colby if she’s delicously sour. The ideal “republican” will be a hybrid.

But Lazlo, can you give us an example of how to use “republican” in a common conversation? “That is a total republican. I must have her now.”

Why the new definition? The old meaning is lost as evidenced by the number of modifiers people throw in front of it.

Reagan Republican

Conservative Republican

Moderate Replublican

Fuckin’ Republican

And my favorite… Country Club Republican.

I probably fall into the Country Club Republican category. I like to sit around, drink bourbon, mind my own business and help the less fortunate, but only when its convenient.

Previously, I was only a borderline Country Club Republican due to not being allowed into most country clubs.

However, a dear friend from my high school days recently gave me a day pass to one of the many country clubs he belongs. As long as that voucher sits securely in my glove box, I’m a Country Club Republican (in the traditional sense, not in the “hot, classy lady” sense).

So if I’m redefining “republican” what does that mean for me politically? Well, I still support “republicans” cause I generally support all “hot, classy women” but I just don’t have to be worried about being associated with whatever ass clown the party forces down my throat.

Moving forward, I’m just some guy that might vote unless something awesome is on TV.

Will the word “Democrat” change? No, the word “Democrat” will still mean “dirty hippy caught eating your children.”

I’m told there are no “Democrats” at my buddy’s country clubs, just some fine ass women with great hair and flawless skin.