Republican Run Around

 I wish the subject of Newt Gingrich divorcing that one wife on her death bed had come up in the debates.

Newt: She didn’t die so you can’t call it a death bed

Mitt: This is why I keep a couple of spare wives…

Cain: What did the women you sexually harassed say about that?

Perry: If I did that my twink boyfriend would never forgive me

Ron Paul: My zombie hordes would have made sure she was dead

Huntsman: Hey guys, I’m still here

Bachman: If I were president any woman who tempted a man would be punished with stoning

Cain: What if you coerce her into tempting you?

Perry: What about guys who like guys?

Bachman: My husband will personally root out all homosexuality if I’m elected

Perry: What’s his number?

Ron Paul: Brains, my supporters need brains

Mitt: Geez, I thought I won this primary months ago, FOX told me I won

A New Kind of Republican Revolution

I’m embarking on a new crusade and it can only be accomplished with your assistance.

I know, you are all thinking, “Wow, you already brought sexy back. What else can you do?”

I’m re-defining the word “Republican”.

From now on, “republican” will simply mean “hot, sophisticated lady.” Think Krystle Carrington from Dynasty if she is sweet or Alexis Carrington Colby if she’s delicously sour. The ideal “republican” will be a hybrid.

But Lazlo, can you give us an example of how to use “republican” in a common conversation? “That is a total republican. I must have her now.”

Why the new definition? The old meaning is lost as evidenced by the number of modifiers people throw in front of it.

Reagan Republican

Conservative Republican

Moderate Replublican

Fuckin’ Republican

And my favorite… Country Club Republican.

I probably fall into the Country Club Republican category. I like to sit around, drink bourbon, mind my own business and help the less fortunate, but only when its convenient.

Previously, I was only a borderline Country Club Republican due to not being allowed into most country clubs.

However, a dear friend from my high school days recently gave me a day pass to one of the many country clubs he belongs. As long as that voucher sits securely in my glove box, I’m a Country Club Republican (in the traditional sense, not in the “hot, classy lady” sense).

So if I’m redefining “republican” what does that mean for me politically? Well, I still support “republicans” cause I generally support all “hot, classy women” but I just don’t have to be worried about being associated with whatever ass clown the party forces down my throat.

Moving forward, I’m just some guy that might vote unless something awesome is on TV.

Will the word “Democrat” change? No, the word “Democrat” will still mean “dirty hippy caught eating your children.”

I’m told there are no “Democrats” at my buddy’s country clubs, just some fine ass women with great hair and flawless skin.