Modern Romance and the App that will Kill your Jam

Modern love is a tricky game with the websites and the apps and all the other nonsense…

I’m fairly new at this but let me give you some tips for your online dating profiles.

Pictures:

Unless you actually wrestled a feral hog to the ground (armed only with your bare hands and steely nerves) in order to save a basket full of kittens, do NOT post any dead animal pictures

Keep your shirt on if you are taking a selfie (girls get a pass on this)

No more posing in front of something with angel like wings

No more “me and bros being all bro like at this bro thing cuz we’re bros”

You might as well stop posting pics of yourself hugged up to someone of the opposite gender unless you are a swinger

Pictures of food items are not what we want to see in order to figure out who you are

Wear what you wear. Stop with the random formal photos and please, don’t pose in front of a car on purpose unless it’s actually your car and you are trying to tell us you are Smokey the Bandit. THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO THE OSCAR MEYER WEINER MOBILE NOR THE BAT MOBILE FROM THE 60’s.

No more than 1 nature setting and no more than 1 sports setting

No memes. Seriously. NO MEMES.

Bio:

Write something, anything about YOU

It’s okay to be funny and you should always be honest but maybe you aren’t “honestly funny” and are coming off as bizarre.

This isn’t a job resume. You are NOT selling yourself in a desperate attempt to land someone. Just be you. Relax. Say who you are. Say what you like. This is important.

Don’t say you “love to travel.” No one actually loves to travel. To travel these days is a serious pain that involves getting treated like a criminal at the airport and live stock in the airplane. What you really enjoy is being in another location and not at work. Also, if you say you “love to travel” then we expect you to be willing to drive from Pasadena to The Woodlands in order to meet up.

Got kids? That’s cool. But are you really “The world’s greatest single mother/single father” ???

Ladies, height issues are okay to have but maybe you should tone it down a bit. You are 5′ 2” tall and crave a guy who is at least 6′ 5″ tall but no bigger than 6’ 7”? Okay. That’s your thing. But how would you feel if every other guy you looked at demanded a certain breast size or else? Heck, might as well say “nipples no larger nor smaller than a quarter” or something.

It’s your dog. It’s not your child. Trust me. I have both and there is a clear difference.

Unless you are a child, type real words and save the string of emojis for a text.

Guys, if you are looking to hook up, just say it. Do not fake wanting to find “the one” just to get laid. All you will do is screw things up for the rest of us.

Might as well fess up to any mental issues. You might find someone you can share meds with.

It’s NOT a hobby if you did it 10 years ago.

Bumble girls… All conversations can begin with simply saying “Hello” or “Hey” or “Howdy” JUST DO IT and sees what happens.

Bonus:

No one really looks like their picture when you meet them. This can be either good or bad.

The Foulest of Fowl

Hello,

This a reminder that it is now peacock mating season.

The males are on the prowl and can be very aggressive. A full grown man, weakened by his charity MS150 bicycle ride from Houston to Austin, was recently violated by one of our feathered friends while his beer buddies looked on in horror.

Unfortunately, his attempts to discourage the mating proved unsuccessful. 

Here are some tips:

Do NOT yell, scream or try to make yourself look larger. The bird will view you as a potential rival and go “prison bull” on you. 

Do NOT fight the male peacock. A 50 pound peacock with mating intentions is stronger than a 200lb man. They have razor sharp heel spurs and will “jack you up” beyond belief.

Do NOT curl into the fetal attention and play dead. The peacock will view this as acceptance of his aggressive mating techniques. You will be ravaged in your own front yard.

Do NOT run away. The bird is faster and they can fly. They will think you are playing “hard to get” and this encourages them.

What defenses do work?

STAY INDOORS

Pretend to be a tree

Carry a fire extinguisher

Try to be unattractive

Keep a well trained, yet vicious, dog with you at all times

Good luck and be safe!