Tag Archives: sex

I Love You Just the Way You Will Become

Because I’m basically trying to dominate all forms of mass media before I die so I’ve been calling the local radio stations here in Houston for months.

Here is the transcript of my pre-Valentine’s Day phone call:

DJ guy: Okay, let’s go to Lazlo on the West side.

DJ gal: Good morning Lazlo, what’s your Valentine’s Day gift idea?

Lazlo: Hello, am I on?

DJ guy: Yes Lazlo, go ahead. What’s your Valentine’s Day gift idea?

Lazlo: Well, I want to say I have the greatest girlfriend in the world and I’m thinking about asking her to marry me. I’m going all out this year.

DJ gal: Yes! How much are you spending? The last caller only said $50.

DJ guy: Hey, it’s the thought that counts not the amount spent.

DJ gal: You’re right. So what are you doing Lazlo for your lady?

Lazlo: Well, I’m spending a lot more than $50. I am spending at least $1,000 this year.

DJ gal: Oh my God, are you getting engaged? Do it! Do it!

Lazlo: Engaged?  No, not yet.

DJ guy: So what’s the gift?

Lazlo: Well, I’ve got two items and I can’t decide which one she will like better. The Pro-form 990 SE or the Pro-form Power 995. I’ll let you guys decide for me.

DJ gal: Uh, what are those?

DJ guy: Yah, what are those?

Lazlo: The 990 is an elliptical trainer and the 995 is a treadmill.

DJ gal: Wait, you are buying your girl friend exercise equipment?

Lazlo: Um, yah. I love her.

(awkward silence)

DJ guy: Dude, don’t do that.

Lazlo: Why not?

(laughter from both)

Lazlo: Wait a minute. I love her and I want to be with her but I think we would both be a lot happier if she got in shape.

DJ gal: Oh no…

DJ guy: How big is she?

DJ gal: Stop it…

Lazlo: No, it’s cool. She knows she’s fat. I tell her all the time.

DJ gal: No! No! No!

DJ guy: Are we talking shut-in big?

Lazlo: No, she still moves around. But, well, she’s really unhealthy. (I fake choking back tears) I just love her so much. I know she will be happier if she loses all the extra weight.

DJ gal: Oooooo. You’re so sweet.

DJ guy: Yah, you love her for what’s inside and just want to help.

DJ gal: Have you tried taking her to a doctor

Lazlo(still despondent): Yes. It was really bad. We went just after New Year’s Eve. Doctor gave her a full physical and everything.

DJ guy: What did he say?

Lazlo: It’s not good. Her body fat is at 25%.

DJ gal: What?!? (she’s pissed)

DJ guy: Uh, Lazlo, that’s not really overweight.

Lazlo: What do you mean? Yes it is.

DJ gal: No dude, that’s normal.

Lazlo: Normal? No way. That’s not normal. That’s obese. I can’t barely see her rib cage. When we first met, her hip bones jutted out. Now? Her face is all fleshy.

DJ guy: Hey man, as one guy to another, you’re not right. A body fat of 25% is NORMAL

Lazlo: No it’s not. That’s obese.

DJ gal: Yah, what do you want, a tooth pick?

Lazlo: Look, if she gets under 20% body fat and can stay that way for a year I’ll marry her. She knows that. It’s been discussed. If she wants to marry me, she will do what is expected.

DJ gal: Oh my god…

DJ guy: Yah, you are not right. Let me ask you, what sort of shape are you in?

Lazlo: I’m a slim 265.

DJ gal: How tall are you?

Lazlo: I’m 5’8″

(laughter)

DJ guy: Buddy, you are definitely not slim. You are built like a bowling ball.

Lazlo: This isn’t about me. This is about her. She’s lucky she has me. I let her have a career. She gets to take care of my 3 kids. She’s lucky. I have to stay home.

DJ gal: Wait, you don’t work?

Lazlo: No

DJ guy: When was the last time you worked?

Lazlo: It’s been 28 months. The economy is (interupted)

DJ gal: 28 months? 28 months?

Lazlo: Oh, now you sound like her.

DJ guy: Lazlo, you are fat. You bring 3 kids to the relationship. You haven’t worked in over 2 years. When you were working, what did you do?

Lazlo: I was a chef

DJ gal: Where?

Lazlo: I don’t want to say. It’s one of the biggest restuarants in town.

DJ guy: Burger King?

Lazlo: Please, don’t insult me or I will hang up. I called you to ask you if I should go with the elliptical trainer or the treadmill for the woman who is almost the woman of my dreams. If you don’t want to help me decide, that’s fine.

DJ gal: Why don’t you buy it for yourself?

Lazlo: That’s rude. It’s a gift for her.

DJ guy: Seriously, Lazlo. How do you even have $1000 if you haven’t worked in over 2 years?

DJ gal: Yah, how are you going to pay for this?

Lazlo: Credit card. She’s got a couple of different ones

 

 

 

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The Hot Mess Finally Arrives


I arrived back at Theo’s at exactly 11:30 pm.

He hadn’t showered or changed out of his pajamas. The red mark on his forehead wasn’t throbbing as much.

Theo was wearing a headset and microphone.

“Aren’t you suppose to leave the headset at McDonald’s at the end of your shift?”

“What?!? No, man, this is for gaming.”

While waiting for Jessie to get home I had a lot of Theo time.

Here’s what I learned about the guy:

His grandfather invited the fish finder, made a bunch of money and then married a trophy wife. Theo’s dad is the product of the trophy wife union. Theo’s dad, he also married based mainly on looks and a willingness to screw. She, Theo’s mom, was more like a 3rd place trophy than the 1st place trophy grandpa married. Theo will be lucky to get a participation ribbon.

The house is his father’s house. His name is Mike and this explains the M Turner listing in the phone book. Dear old dad is still married and living in Costa Rica where, according to Theo, he’s “fucking bitches non-stop.” He told me several times during the night that in Costa Rica “hot bitches will suck your dick for $5.”

When grandpa died he left Theo some money. Not “I’m rich as hell” money. More like, “I should get a job, but well, this will last if I eat mostly canned food, never go anywhere and die young” money.

Theo is a busy man. He divides his time mostly between World of Warcraft and writing Star Trek based fan fiction. This isn’t the usual fan fiction, however. He leans heavily towards sending Star Trek characters that I’ve never heard of into historical situations with badly written erotic outcomes.

He showed me one tale that featured a Klingon who’s expertise at sodomy helped Joan of Arc formulate a winning battle plan. The women in his stories tend to orgasm while performing fellatio or having their heaving bossoms fondled (they all have enormous racks in Theo-land). From what I’ve read, Theo learned more about sex from the porn industry than actual women. If he’s having sex with Jessie (I just threw up in mouth) she is probably his first experience.

Writing the fan fiction and playing World of Warcraft is done between numerous bong hits and masturbation breaks. Hey, Theo is a multi-tasker!

Jessie showed up around 3 am. Theo had fallen asleep on the couch but flew into action when he heard a car door slam. I think he was in a mild state of panic.

A  woman voice yelled “Fuck this shit” followed by the 2 minute jangle of key trying to find a keyhole (I bet Theo has the same problem with the ladies).

Finally, stumbling through the door is Jessie Byrd.

“Who the fuck is here?” Jessie says.

She’s positively stunning.

She has long brunnette hair and is dressed in a ribbed white tank top and tan riding pants. The low heeled black knee high boots match a wide belt circling her hips. She’s extremely tall, probably just a couple of inches under 6 feet, and athletic looking. Encompassing her forearm is what looks like silver snake with green eyes.

She’s also a total mess.

Her eye’s are blood shot and her nostrils are red and flaring. The end of her narrow nose has a light dusting of white powder. Her mascara has run from the corner of her eyes. The back of hair is fuzzed up off the rest of coiffe, a look that can only be attribute to sex. And she smells. It’s a sickening mix of stale cigarette smoke with under tones of spilled rum. She also has this sweaty but flowery odor she’s giving off that soils the back of your mouth.

“He’s a friend,” Theo sheepishly says.

“I’m going to bed, you sleep on the couch,” Jessie barks and then walks a zig zag pattern from the hall into the bedroom.

“You want a bong hit?” Lazlo asks after the house is quiet again.

“Why not? The day is shot anyway,” I said.

Theo then did something very strange. He used his brain and thought ahead.

“You should sleep here,” he said. “I mean, that way you can talk to her in the morning.”

“On the other couch?” I asked.

“No, in the guest room. She just said I’m suppose to sleep on the couch.”

And we are back to stupid Theo. That was it, one good idea followed by something idiotic.

“All right, I’ll sleep here. Got any bourbon?”

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