Theo Speaks, Sort Of

Okay, so Theo, the self proclaimed king of the internet and boyfriend of the girl that I’m suppose to be tutoring has found out about this blog.

He was not happy.

I told him the blog is my attempt at documenting my life in case I meet an “unfortunate” accident. He was not happy.

I told him I was not really writing “about” him, but merely “of” him. He was not happy.

I told him this blog could become a literary classic and he would be remembered with the likes of Pap Finn, Fagan and Nurse Ratched. He had no clue who I was talking about and was still not happy.

Theo then explained that if I did not let him “have his say” inside The Lazlo Files that he would tell Jessie Byrd all about it. She would “fucking flip” and then “kick my ass” and stop going to school, ending my employment.

Faced with corrupting my art or losing my steady stream of income I did what Hemingway, Joyce and all the great writers have done — I chose the money.

The following is exactly what Theo dictated to me about himself, his life and his relationship with women.

“This blog is bullshit and Lazlo is a fucking faggot. Seriously, I am this close to kicking his ass from one side of Houston to the other. I can totally do it and I might do it this week. When I do break him like a bitch I will take photos and shit and put them on this stupid fucking blog so everyone can see what a pussy he is.”

“Fuck you Lazlo. This is bullshit.”

(Theo proceeds to inhale a very large bong hit)

“First off, I don’t play World of Warcraft all day long. So what if I do? World of Warcraft is not gay in any way. World of Warcraft is just like real life except its totally bad ass. This game is hard and losers like Lazlo are just mad because they are too stupid to play and too broke to afford a computer. I have organized killer raids with up to 20 warriors. I would like see Lazlo try to do that. No way could he have raided the Monastery Keep or run through the Crystal Palace dungeon. That shit took like 2 days to plan.”

(more marijuana consumed)

“I don’t beat off, dude. That’s fucking retarded that you even said that. I’ve never beat off in my life. So what if I look at porn? That just means I’m not a faggot like you, Lazlo. Your name sucks. I look at porn maybe once a week and I only do it to come up with more ideas on how to fuck my girlfriend. Why would I beat off when I’ve got, like, the hottest fucking chic ever living in my house. Lazlo, you beat off. You don’t even have a girlfriend. You’re probably just pissed off cause I got Jessie all you have is “Lefty” and “Righty”. Hold on.”

(takes some time to pack another bowl full of marijuana)

“Dude, I don’t beat off. That’s crazy. I have sex with Jessie non-stop. She’s always like, “Theo, fuck me again” and I totally do cause I get, like, 9 boners a day.”

(now smokes the fresh bowl of marijuana)

“I don’t smell. That’s so stupid you even said that. Jessie wants me all the time. I only stay home cause whenever I go out I get like 3 or 4 girls trying to ride my johnson. Some girl totally showed me her boobies and was like “Come and get ’em boy” but I was like, “Yah, you’re hot but my bitch is hotter back home” and that shit happens to me, like, once a week.”

(Theo is off the couch and looking out the window into the backyard)

“I’m fucking rich and don’t have to work and you’re just jealous cause you went to college and don’t have shit. Look at me, my name is Lazlo, I have stupid fucking name and went to college but I’m still retarded.”

(I then asked him if he had anything else to add to his part of the blog)

“No, I have to take a shit. Wait, yah. I want you to say you’re faggot, like, 25 times and then say “Theo Rocks Balls” and add in something about Jessie being hot.”

(I ask Theo if he wants me to show this to Jessie)

“Are you fucking high? No way dude. Jesus. I’ll be back. I’m totally going to crap my pants.”

So there you go, Theo has now mounted his self defense. Frankly, I’m surprised he can read.

The Hot Mess Finally Arrives

I arrived back at Theo’s at exactly 11:30 pm.

He hadn’t showered or changed out of his pajamas. The red mark on his forehead wasn’t throbbing as much.

Theo was wearing a headset and microphone.

“Aren’t you suppose to leave the headset at McDonald’s at the end of your shift?”

“What?!? No, man, this is for gaming.”

While waiting for Jessie to get home I had a lot of Theo time.

Here’s what I learned about the guy:

His grandfather invited the fish finder, made a bunch of money and then married a trophy wife. Theo’s dad is the product of the trophy wife union. Theo’s dad, he also married based mainly on looks and a willingness to screw. She, Theo’s mom, was more like a 3rd place trophy than the 1st place trophy grandpa married. Theo will be lucky to get a participation ribbon.

The house is his father’s house. His name is Mike and this explains the M Turner listing in the phone book. Dear old dad is still married and living in Costa Rica where, according to Theo, he’s “fucking bitches non-stop.” He told me several times during the night that in Costa Rica “hot bitches will suck your dick for $5.”

When grandpa died he left Theo some money. Not “I’m rich as hell” money. More like, “I should get a job, but well, this will last if I eat mostly canned food, never go anywhere and die young” money.

Theo is a busy man. He divides his time mostly between World of Warcraft and writing Star Trek based fan fiction. This isn’t the usual fan fiction, however. He leans heavily towards sending Star Trek characters that I’ve never heard of into historical situations with badly written erotic outcomes.

He showed me one tale that featured a Klingon who’s expertise at sodomy helped Joan of Arc formulate a winning battle plan. The women in his stories tend to orgasm while performing fellatio or having their heaving bossoms fondled (they all have enormous racks in Theo-land). From what I’ve read, Theo learned more about sex from the porn industry than actual women. If he’s having sex with Jessie (I just threw up in mouth) she is probably his first experience.

Writing the fan fiction and playing World of Warcraft is done between numerous bong hits and masturbation breaks. Hey, Theo is a multi-tasker!

Jessie showed up around 3 am. Theo had fallen asleep on the couch but flew into action when he heard a car door slam. I think he was in a mild state of panic.

A  woman voice yelled “Fuck this shit” followed by the 2 minute jangle of key trying to find a keyhole (I bet Theo has the same problem with the ladies).

Finally, stumbling through the door is Jessie Byrd.

“Who the fuck is here?” Jessie says.

She’s positively stunning.

She has long brunnette hair and is dressed in a ribbed white tank top and tan riding pants. The low heeled black knee high boots match a wide belt circling her hips. She’s extremely tall, probably just a couple of inches under 6 feet, and athletic looking. Encompassing her forearm is what looks like silver snake with green eyes.

She’s also a total mess.

Her eye’s are blood shot and her nostrils are red and flaring. The end of her narrow nose has a light dusting of white powder. Her mascara has run from the corner of her eyes. The back of hair is fuzzed up off the rest of coiffe, a look that can only be attribute to sex. And she smells. It’s a sickening mix of stale cigarette smoke with under tones of spilled rum. She also has this sweaty but flowery odor she’s giving off that soils the back of your mouth.

“He’s a friend,” Theo sheepishly says.

“I’m going to bed, you sleep on the couch,” Jessie barks and then walks a zig zag pattern from the hall into the bedroom.

“You want a bong hit?” Lazlo asks after the house is quiet again.

“Why not? The day is shot anyway,” I said.

Theo then did something very strange. He used his brain and thought ahead.

“You should sleep here,” he said. “I mean, that way you can talk to her in the morning.”

“On the other couch?” I asked.

“No, in the guest room. She just said I’m suppose to sleep on the couch.”

And we are back to stupid Theo. That was it, one good idea followed by something idiotic.

“All right, I’ll sleep here. Got any bourbon?”