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Theo Speaks, Sort Of

Okay, so Theo, the self proclaimed king of the internet and boyfriend of the girl that I’m suppose to be tutoring has found out about this blog.

He was not happy.

I told him the blog is my attempt at documenting my life in case I meet an “unfortunate” accident. He was not happy.

I told him I was not really writing “about” him, but merely “of” him. He was not happy.

I told him this blog could become a literary classic and he would be remembered with the likes of Pap Finn, Fagan and Nurse Ratched. He had no clue who I was talking about and was still not happy.

Theo then explained that if I did not let him “have his say” inside The Lazlo Files that he would tell Jessie Byrd all about it. She would “fucking flip” and then “kick my ass” and stop going to school, ending my employment.

Faced with corrupting my art or losing my steady stream of income I did what Hemingway, Joyce and all the great writers have done — I chose the money.

The following is exactly what Theo dictated to me about himself, his life and his relationship with women.

“This blog is bullshit and Lazlo is a fucking faggot. Seriously, I am this close to kicking his ass from one side of Houston to the other. I can totally do it and I might do it this week. When I do break him like a bitch I will take photos and shit and put them on this stupid fucking blog so everyone can see what a pussy he is.”

“Fuck you Lazlo. This is bullshit.”

(Theo proceeds to inhale a very large bong hit)

“First off, I don’t play World of Warcraft all day long. So what if I do? World of Warcraft is not gay in any way. World of Warcraft is just like real life except its totally bad ass. This game is hard and losers like Lazlo are just mad because they are too stupid to play and too broke to afford a computer. I have organized killer raids with up to 20 warriors. I would like see Lazlo try to do that. No way could he have raided the Monastery Keep or run through the Crystal Palace dungeon. That shit took like 2 days to plan.”

(more marijuana consumed)

“I don’t beat off, dude. That’s fucking retarded that you even said that. I’ve never beat off in my life. So what if I look at porn? That just means I’m not a faggot like you, Lazlo. Your name sucks. I look at porn maybe once a week and I only do it to come up with more ideas on how to fuck my girlfriend. Why would I beat off when I’ve got, like, the hottest fucking chic ever living in my house. Lazlo, you beat off. You don’t even have a girlfriend. You’re probably just pissed off cause I got Jessie all you have is “Lefty” and “Righty”. Hold on.”

(takes some time to pack another bowl full of marijuana)

“Dude, I don’t beat off. That’s crazy. I have sex with Jessie non-stop. She’s always like, “Theo, fuck me again” and I totally do cause I get, like, 9 boners a day.”

(now smokes the fresh bowl of marijuana)

“I don’t smell. That’s so stupid you even said that. Jessie wants me all the time. I only stay home cause whenever I go out I get like 3 or 4 girls trying to ride my johnson. Some girl totally showed me her boobies and was like “Come and get ’em boy” but I was like, “Yah, you’re hot but my bitch is hotter back home” and that shit happens to me, like, once a week.”

(Theo is off the couch and looking out the window into the backyard)

“I’m fucking rich and don’t have to work and you’re just jealous cause you went to college and don’t have shit. Look at me, my name is Lazlo, I have stupid fucking name and went to college but I’m still retarded.”

(I then asked him if he had anything else to add to his part of the blog)

“No, I have to take a shit. Wait, yah. I want you to say you’re faggot, like, 25 times and then say “Theo Rocks Balls” and add in something about Jessie being hot.”

(I ask Theo if he wants me to show this to Jessie)

“Are you fucking high? No way dude. Jesus. I’ll be back. I’m totally going to crap my pants.”

So there you go, Theo has now mounted his self defense. Frankly, I’m surprised he can read.

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About Suburban War Lord

Suburban War Lord

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