Author Archives: Suburban War Lord

An Office Chaplain and a Pope of Profits


So I volunteered yesterday to my boss to become the company’s 1st ever office chaplain. Didn’t really work out as planned.

 

Did a whole PowerPoint on the spiritual needs of my co-workers and how many of them could use some work.

 

I’m no saint, but at least I’m just a problem drinker and only sort of sleep around (heavy petting). The rest are sinners around here.

 

Like Sandy? We all know she’s hooked on Viocodin. Any time I need to space out for awhile she’s handing me pills.

 

And Stu is totally McDrinky-drink-drink. He once split a sixer with me on the drive into work. Dirty lush.

 

If I was office chaplain I could totally pray the gay away for that short haired lady in accounting.

 

Told the boss I need a confessional booth for the hot ladies to tell me stuff, anyone else can just tell me in the break room or at my cubicle.

 

I intended to convert a fire sprinkler for impromptu baptismals for the non-Christos peeps (lots of state school liberal arts majors work here).

 

He said I’m “out of line.” Said peeps’ walk with the Lord is none of the company’s business. Whatever.

 

He’d change his tune on bringing the Jesus if he knew about all the stolen pens. Don’t get me started on personal Xerox use.

 

Long story short: the office looks like it’ll remain Satan’s play pen. I bet God’s wrath knocks the stock down.

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Half a Glass


They say there are two types of people in the world:

Those that see the glass half empty and then those that see the glass as half full.

But this isn’t really accurate.

You see, these things actually fall along a spectrum.

Some will see the half glass of water and instantly say:

What the fuck? Where is the rest of my water? Who fucking drank my shit? Who ripped me off?

Then they will blame the nearest person for what they believe to be an additional half glass of water that is owed to them.

They will yell and scream and pick up that glass and throw it against the wall. 

The shards of glass on the floor and the water stained wall and puddle on the tile? That’s not their fault. It is the fault of who ever was handing out water and noe it is also their fault that they are dieing of thirst.

That’s one end of the spectrum and it’s a miserable way to be.

On the other end, some people are overjoyed by having half a glass of water. Hell, they remember all the times they had no water and we’re aching to slake their thirst.

They lift the glass of water into the air and sing praises to the water. And while they are thirsty, they carefully cover the glass and save it and wait until they “really need it” and maybe it will rain and they can take the glass outside and the heavens will bless them further by making the glass over flow…

Aren’t they lucky? 

Well, no, they are also thirsty and are too stupid to simply enjoy what they have. They save it out of fear of never seeing water again.

Opposite ends of the spectrum.

Equally thirsty.

Suffering in their own self-induced way.

The better way to be?

We’ve got half a glass of water. Let’s share it. You take a sip. I’ll take a sip. It will be nice. This is what water is for. It’s here to drink. We can find more when we need it. Let’s just enjoy it, together. 

All of us.

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