An Office Chaplain and a Pope of Profits

So I volunteered yesterday to my boss to become the company’s 1st ever office chaplain. Didn’t really work out as planned.


Did a whole PowerPoint on the spiritual needs of my co-workers and how many of them could use some work.


I’m no saint, but at least I’m just a problem drinker and only sort of sleep around (heavy petting). The rest are sinners around here.


Like Sandy? We all know she’s hooked on Viocodin. Any time I need to space out for awhile she’s handing me pills.


And Stu is totally McDrinky-drink-drink. He once split a sixer with me on the drive into work. Dirty lush.


If I was office chaplain I could totally pray the gay away for that short haired lady in accounting.


Told the boss I need a confessional booth for the hot ladies to tell me stuff, anyone else can just tell me in the break room or at my cubicle.


I intended to convert a fire sprinkler for impromptu baptismals for the non-Christos peeps (lots of state school liberal arts majors work here).


He said I’m “out of line.” Said peeps’ walk with the Lord is none of the company’s business. Whatever.


He’d change his tune on bringing the Jesus if he knew about all the stolen pens. Don’t get me started on personal Xerox use.


Long story short: the office looks like it’ll remain Satan’s play pen. I bet God’s wrath knocks the stock down.

Tennis, It Is a Holy Sport

There is only one sport that matters and that sport is God’s sport, tennis.

I hate to into full Kaballah/Da Vinci Code/A Beautiful Mind mode on you, my gentle readers, but the proof that Jesus loves tennis and only tennis is hidden in the numerology of the game.

So with all due respect to John Forbes Nash Jr, let’s get crazy on the numbers and patterns here…

As every good child who ever went through communion will tell you, the magic number in the Bible is “3” and this is because of “the Father, Son and Holy ghost” and also some other stuff.

Maybe you do not believe in Jesus?

That’s cool. The “3” is still important because Abraham is the father of the three major monotheistic: Judaism, Christianity and Islam.

Still don’t believe in the big “3” religion?

All right…

Do you love America? If so, you still know “3” is important because of the three branches of our kickass country’s government.

Not an American and not a son/daughter of Abraham?


Everyone loves ZZ Top and ZZ Top only has three members and that’s surely enough to show you how important “3” is in a “cosmic divinity” sort of a way.

The easy numbers:

The lines are all 3 inches wide.

In a normal “I’m an adult and have self control so no balls fly over the fence” can of tennis balls there are 3 balls.

The net is 3 feet high.

The more complicated numbers:

The service area is 21 feet deep. This is divisible by both “3” and “7” and also tells you God is a “serve and volley” guy and not some degenerate “baseliner”

The doubles court is 36 feet wide. Again, muliply the 12 disciples by our magic “3” and… Yep. You get 36 so it is a team sport for sure.

The total dimensions for a court are 120 x 60 (including the over run) and, again, both numbers are divisible by not only “3” but also our “12” sooo…