I’m embarking on a new crusade and it can only be accomplished with your assistance.

I know, you are all thinking, “Wow, you already brought sexy back. What else can you do?”

I’m re-defining the word “Republican”.

From now on, “republican” will simply mean “hot, sophisticated lady.” Think Krystle Carrington from Dynasty if she is sweet or Alexis Carrington Colby if she’s delicously sour. The ideal “republican” will be a hybrid.

But Lazlo, can you give us an example of how to use “republican” in a common conversation? “That is a total republican. I must have her now.”

Why the new definition? The old meaning is lost as evidenced by the number of modifiers people throw in front of it.

Reagan Republican

Conservative Republican

Moderate Replublican

Fuckin’ Republican

And my favorite… Country Club Republican.

I probably fall into the Country Club Republican category. I like to sit around, drink bourbon, mind my own business and help the less fortunate, but only when its convenient.

Previously, I was only a borderline Country Club Republican due to not being allowed into most country clubs.

However, a dear friend from my high school days recently gave me a day pass to one of the many country clubs he belongs. As long as that voucher sits securely in my glove box, I’m a Country Club Republican (in the traditional sense, not in the “hot, classy lady” sense).

So if I’m redefining “republican” what does that mean for me politically? Well, I still support “republicans” cause I generally support all “hot, classy women” but I just don’t have to be worried about being associated with whatever ass clown the party forces down my throat.

Moving forward, I’m just some guy that might vote unless something awesome is on TV.

Will the word “Democrat” change? No, the word “Democrat” will still mean “dirty hippy caught eating your children.”

I’m told there are no “Democrats” at my buddy’s country clubs, just some fine ass women with great hair and flawless skin.