Tag Archives: sex

Cook These Beer Nuts

 
My nuts are amazing.
My nuts taste so good.
I know you want to put my nuts in my mouth.
Sure, making your own beer nuts gives you the best excuse ever to make sophomoric jokes.
But there is a much better reason:
These nuts are salty, sweet and pack a pinch of heat. This is important because hot foods make people drink more and more beer. 
That’s right, these beer nuts are designed to get your lady tipsy so you can bang her and your man wasted so he passes out and you can be left alone.
Also, despite what you might think, I am interested in helping you look classy, so go ahead and splurge on cashews and almonds instead of white trash peanuts.

The Beer Nuts
First off, go ahead and preheat your oven to 350 degrees. I’m thinking this is celcius but I don’t really know.

 You need to get together:

4 cups of nuts (try to get unsalted)
Coating:

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon cumin 

1 teaspoon chile powder

1 teaspoonpaprika

1 teaspoon cayenne

½ cup sugar

1 tablespoon butter

¼ cup water

Melt and cook the sugar and butter and water and spices to make your coating. This should just require a few 20 second blasts in your microwave. I hope to God you picked a large microwave safe bowl for this.

 Stir that shit around and then toss your nuts into it and stir it some more.

Get out a baking sheet and line it with aluminum foil so you don’t totally fuck up your pan.

Spread the nuts out in a single layer. Now bake that shit for 10 to 12 minutes.

While it’s baking, wash and dry your damn bowl because you will need it.

When the time is right, take your nuts out of the oven and CAREFULLY get them off of the aluminum and back in your clean bowl. Seriously, be fucking careful because that shit you just baked will burn your fucking arm off.

Stir you nuts around.

Wait 2 minutes.

Stir them again.

Wait 2 minutes.

Stir them again.

Get the point? You don’t want them sticking together while they cool off. If they do…

Well, you are a dumbass and will have to break them apart with hands.

That’s right, either stir or be prepared to get my nuts all over your hands.

Now you are done. Go forth and impress some people.

 

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Theo finds God, Jessie finds Extortion

There’s been a lot of shit going on at the house so let me update you quickly…

Jessie, who I’m being paid to usher through college, made it through another semester. I was positive she was going to fail business calculus (I told her not to take it) but she found a way.

Her “way” being blowing her very married professor. I know what you are thinking, “having sex with your college professor is not a good thing to do.”

But she didn’t just suck his dick for a “C” at end of the semester. She filmed herself sucking his dick, dressed as a girl scout, calling him “daddy” and then black mailed him into an “A” in under a week.

I was so proud of her.

Theo is off the whole Native American kick. He’s now trying to start his own religion “Rasta Catholicism.” This means instead of dumbass stoner comments about the Earth Mother and white bisons he’s trying to perform some sort of exorcism on the house cause it’s obviously filled with demons.

I thought it was fad but when he changed his World of Warcraft character from a barbarian to a cleric I knew this latest bit of retardation would be around for awhile.

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